


the little cracks, they escalated

by eirana



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-14
Updated: 2011-07-14
Packaged: 2017-10-21 09:32:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eirana/pseuds/eirana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The requisite "childhood friends fall in love and take the long, difficult road to happily ever after" story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 05/09-10/09

**When Kris was eight, he moved to San Diego.**

California was warm and sunny, and most of the people Kris met were nice to him. Conway had been nice too, but he didn’t remember much about it, except that it was small and his best friend had been a pretty blonde girl named Katy who lived down the street.

Their new house was big, and he got to have his own room instead of sharing one with Danny. They even had a backyard—smaller than the one they’d had in Conway, but still nice; his mama talked about planting flowers and maybe getting a dog.

It was the best almost birthday present ever.

-

 **When Kris was nine, he met Adam Lambert.**

His mama made fast friends with their neighbor, a nice lady named Beth Saunders. Her house was even bigger than theirs, full of nice things that his parents told him not to touch, because they were expensive and breakable.

His parents were in the backyard with Mrs. Saunders and her husband, talking about adult things that didn’t interest Kris at all. He was bored because he wasn’t allowed to touch the pretty, shiny things—despite the house being full of them. It wasn’t like he was the only kid in the house; Mrs. Saunders had three kids: two girls and a boy.

Cameron was two years old and toddled around after Danny, grabbing at everything and screaming loudly. Kendall had the prettiest hazel eyes he’d ever seen, but she kept blushing and holding onto her mom’s hand whenever Kris tried to talk to her. The oldest wasn’t home, out doing preteen things, whatever that meant. Kris was alone.

He sat on their living room floor huddled into a corner, trying to make himself as small as possible and hugging his knees to his chest. He didn’t have any friends here, and there was still another month of summer left. Tears slid down his face. Maybe he missed living in Conway more than he thought he did.

That was when the whirlwind known as Danielle and Adam swept in. They were best friends, attached at the hip. Danielle, who had just turned thirteen, was tall, blonde, and pretty; the chubby, freckled redhead next to her looked out-of-place. They were talking loudly, giggling at some random joke.

Kris froze, trying not to make a sound. He hoped they didn’t see him. He didn’t like it when other people saw him cry.

“Dani, I don’t know why you’re so bent out of shape.”

“Because, Adam, my mom made me come home early. We have guests.”

“Guests?”

“Yeah, our new neighbors. The Allens? I wasn’t really listening when my mom told me.”

“Way to be a bitch.”

Loud, sudden laughter filled the entryway and Danielle flounced over to the couch, not catching sight of Kris, but Adam did.

“Adam? What are you—is that a kid?”

He nodded absent-mindedly at her question, crouching down in front of Kris. “What’re you doing here, little guy?”

Kris refused to look up, curling into a tighter ball. He didn’t want to say anything—couldn’t say anything—because everything here was strange and new and unfamiliar.

He just wanted to go back to Conway.

“Hey, it’s alright. Dani and I don’t bite.”

Kris peeked out from the shelter of his arms and saw that the freckled boy was beaming brightly at him.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Kris stammered out before he let the tears flow unchecked, talking about how much he missed having friends, and being in Conway, where he wasn’t lonely all the time because people liked him there. The redhead was watching him with compassion in his eyes.

“If you want me to, I’ll be your friend.”

“Really?” Kris asked, brown eyes wide and teary.

Adam pulled him into a tight hug. Kris tensed in Adam’s hold, but relaxed into it after a minute, squeezing just as tight.

“Really.”

-

 **When Kris was ten, he had his first kiss.**

It had been in August, after he had lived through a year and then some of being a California boy. He’d decided it really wasn’t that bad living there. He liked his house and he had a lot of friends—including Neil, Adam’s little brother—but he was closest to Adam and Danielle. They were really nice to him, even though he was younger and it probably wasn’t cool to hang out with a ten-year-old; they did it anyway. Kris felt like they knew him better than any kid at school.

But no one knew him better than Katy. He’d kept in touch with her, because she was still his best friend—even if she was a girl—and he told her everything about Arkansas that he didn’t miss, but that he missed her all the time and he couldn’t wait until she got to his house. She and her parents were only a few hours away, after days and days of driving across the U.S. They were only going to be there a week, but Kris couldn’t wait to see her.

Finally, the O’Connells reached the Allen house. Kris took Katy’s hand and ran next door, ringing the doorbell over and over until Mrs. Saunders opened the door, scowl melting at the sight of Kris standing there.

“Kris, honey! Good to see you.” She swept him into a hug and kissed his cheek. “And who’s this lovely lady?”

Katy blushed, gripping Kris’ hand tighter.

“This is Katy O’Connell. She’s my best friend from Conway. Katy, this is Beth Saunders.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Mrs. Saunders laughed loudly, the same way Danielle did, and slung an arm around Katy’s shoulders. “Well, aren’t you a sweetheart? Adam and Dani aren’t home right now, but they’ll be back soon. Why don’t you two come in? Kendall’s in her room if you want to play.”

Kris grinned at her before going up the stairs to Kendall’s room, even though she still ran away from him and always looked away when he waved. But he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so he knocked on her purple door and smiled when she opened it.

“Hi, Kendall.”

“Hi.”

Kris decided he liked Kendall better when she didn’t say anything and just ran from him, because she was glaring at Katy. Katy looked nervous, her hand tightening around Kris’ until it hurt.

“This is my best friend, Katy. She’s from Arkansas.”

“Oh. Nice to meet you.”

She looked torn between being mad and wanting to cry. He’d almost reached out to her when the loud noises he’d learned to associate with Dani and Adam were bursting through the house.

“Krissy! Beth told us you’re here!”

“I’d hurry if I were you; Adam looks like he needs his huggle monster.”

He stared at Kendall, upset and confused by the way her eyes glistened, when he felt a tug. Katy was looking at him with anxious eyes, and Dani and Adam were just getting louder.

“Sorry, Kendall, but we have to go. I’ll see you later.”

He didn’t see Kendall for the rest of the week.

Katy was always with him, and the two of them were always with Adam and Dani. They kept teasing him about her, but Kris didn’t like Katy like that, even if she did have pretty blonde hair, a real-life ray of sunshine.

He didn’t like-like her because she was his best friend, and it would be like having a crush on his sister. Of course, that didn’t stop the teasing, because Adam and Dani liked to tease Kris about his “girlfriend” and how cute they were.

Suddenly, the week was over and Katy was leaving; he probably wouldn’t see her again for a long time. He gave her a big hug before her family’s red minivan drove away, watching as it went down the street and then turn a corner, out of sight.

He didn’t want to go home, not when the remnants of Katy’s presence were all over his house, so he went next door. To his surprise, Kendall was the one who answered the door.

“Um, hi.”

“Hi. Did _she_ leave?”

He’d never seen her look so angry before. It was kind of scary.

“Yeah.”

The scowl slipped off her face. “You look sad. Is it because of her?”

Kris nodded silently. Kendall was looking at him strangely, like she wanted to look at him forever. She moved closer to him, staring up at him with her beautiful hazel eyes.

“I can make you smile.”

Then she was tiptoeing a bit to reach his face, just a quick brush of lips before she stared at the floor, blushing brightly. Kris raised a hand to his mouth, touching his lips, helpless to do anything but gape at her.

“Ken doll, is that Kris? Don’t just stand there, let him in!”

Adam ran down the stairs, crowding into the doorway with Kendall and Kris. Neither of them were meeting the other’s eyes and Kris still had a hand frozen to his mouth. Adam had a very bad feeling that he had interrupted something monumental.

“Did I miss something?”

Kendall finally moved away from the door, breaking into a sprint up the stairs. Kris didn’t move.

“Kris? Krissy? Hello?”

Adam waved a hand in front of the bewildered boy before shaking him. He was jolted out of whatever trance he had been in and just blurted it out.

“Kendall kissed me.”

Well, Adam had always known Kris wasn’t exactly tactful. Everyone else knew that Kendall had a major crush on Kris, but he hadn’t thought she’d ever act on it. Apparently, he and Danielle were very, very wrong about that.

And his poor baby looked so confused by it all; he needed a cuddle. Adam pulled him inside, closed the door and practically launched himself at the smaller boy. Kris just buried his face in Adam’s chest, hands clasped tightly around his waist. He’d always liked Adam’s hugs the best.

“I don’t get girls, Adam. I really don’t.”

“Me neither, little guy. Don’t worry. It’ll get easier when you’re older. I promise.”

-

 **When Kris was thirteen, he decided girls were nothing but trouble.**

Adam had lied. Kendall Saunders was living proof that it never, _ever_ got easier.

After she had kissed him that one summer, she had become more…determined in her pursuit of him. It was a bit disturbing. Eleven-year-old girls shouldn’t be this crazy, damnit. Especially for this long.

The timid little girl with the wide hazel eyes had disappeared and been replaced by a brash, stubborn creature who insisted that Kris was going to be hers someday. Having a stalker was never something Kris had had on his list of things to experience.

It’d started with Kezia Lewis, a pretty Asian girl who was so cheerful and so herself that he fell for her instantly. When he told her he liked her, she’d just finished weaving her daisy chain, placed it around his neck and said, “I don’t like boys that way yet. Give me a few years. Want to be best friends instead?”

Kris had looked at her, bewildered, but nodded anyway. Then Kendall had appeared out of nowhere to dump the contents of her juice box on Kezia’s head. Kezia had just laughed loudly as Kendall stomped away and hugged Kris to her tightly, getting cranberry juice all over him. He didn’t mind.

The next had been Mandy Williams, the girl who sat next to him in seventh grade English. She was blonde and soft-spoken, but incredibly smart. She was always reading books and writing in her blue notebook instead of listening to the teacher.

They had been walking to his house to work on a project together when they passed by the playground. Kendall was playing with her friends, and she got this dangerous look on her face when she saw the way Mandy leaned into Kris as they talked and laughed together.

The next day, after the project had been finished, Mandy had asked to be moved to a new seat. She avoided him whenever he tried to find out why, when Neil told him that Kendall had talked to her that morning. She’d made up some sob story about how much she liked Kris but he was always so mean to her, telling her all the reasons why he would never like her. Mandy had been no match against those wide, teary eyes, and believed her, deciding she didn’t want to be near someone so cruel. Mandy still didn’t talk to him.

The worst had been Amanda Dunaway. He’d had a crush on her since eighth grade, but he’d been too shy to act on it. She’d never noticed him, because the glamorous Amanda Dunaway was way out of Kris’ league.

At least she had been, until their freshman year of high school when they’d ended up in choir together. For the first time, she’d noticed him. Amanda was blonde, blue-eyed, and almost too beautiful to be real, with a sweet voice to match. She reminded him a bit of Katy, but taller, almost the same height as he was. She was also an actress, a fourteen-year-old with numerous roles in community and school theatre on her resume. Kris wasn’t sure if he genuinely liked her or was just in awe, like so many others were.

But they had flirted in class, a lot of shy glances, brief brushes of hands. He knew that Tyler Albright, a guy who had starred opposite Amanda in many of their roles, had had a crush on her for years, and wasn’t too thrilled by the moon eyes he and Amanda had started making at each other.

Then Kendall had gotten wind of their almost something. He never knew how, but she’d somehow gotten Amanda to believe that Kris had gone around bragging that he was going to get into her pants. Which was far from the truth, but she didn’t know him well enough to realize that he supposed. Amanda had glared at him for months and turned to Tyler for comfort. He smirked smugly in Kris’ direction as Amanda leaned against his shoulder, planting a small kiss on his cheek.

There were others in between that Kendall had driven away, one way or another. It was driving Kris insane. If she kept this up for the rest of his life, well, Kris figured he could go into the Witness Protection Program, change his identity, and be paranoid until the day he died.

Except that really wasn’t tempting at all. He wanted to have a family and not die alone and bitter. He sat on his front step and put his head in his hands.

“I hate my life.”

“It can’t be that bad, Krissy.”

He looked up, and Adam was standing there. He’d shot up the past few years, and at seventeen, he stood at 6’1, towering over Kris. But his freckled face was familiar, blue eyes warm with affection. They’d grown apart since he was ten, and most of the time, Kris was with Neil instead of Adam, but he was still willing to be Kris’ shoulder to lean on.

“Kendall being obsessive isn’t that bad?”

“You’re just exaggerating.”

Kris launched into a heated rant about Kendall and her “incredibly evil machinations”. Adam stood there, looking at him as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or comfort him. He sat down next to Kris and threw an arm around him, smiling slightly as Kris immediately laid his head on his shoulder.

“Ah. I take that back then.”

They sat there in comfortable silence for a while, watching the cars pass by -not that there were many.

Kris let out a loud sigh. “You’re such a liar, Lambert.”

“How so?”

“You totally said this would get easier when I was older. I’m older, and this isn’t any easier; you’re a liar.”

Adam looked down at him. “Am not, Allen. It gets easier when you don’t happen to have a crazy little girl who thinks she’s in love with you.”

“Well, I do. I don’t get why she’s so hung up on me. I’m not even that great.”

“Psh. Krissy, you’re amazing. You’re cute, relatively intelligent and a total sweetheart. Girls will be falling all over themselves for you in no time.” He paused, biting his lip nervously. “And I might have encouraged her.”

“What do you mean relatively intelligent? Wait,” Kris tensed under his touch, “You did **_what_**?”

“Well, I didn’t know she was talking about you at the time. I thought that she’d gotten over you. I mean, childhood crushes fade eventually. You and Katy got over it didn’t you? Yeah, yeah, I know, you didn’t think of each other like that. Look, Kendall said there was a boy that she really liked but he didn’t notice her so I said she should try and get his attention and I’m really, really sorry I’m the reason you’re having all this trouble but I didn’t think she’d go psycho on you and sabotage all your relationship attempts.”

Kris shoved Adam, “You traitor! You’re the reason I haven’t been able to have a girlfriend. Well you and Kendall. But I expected more from you Adam.”

“It’s not my fault, I’m innocent!” He raised his hands in surrender, pouting when Kris just scowled at him. “Come on, don’t be mad at me. My huggle monster can’t be angry forever can he?”

Kris felt a blush spread across his face at the old nickname. “I can try.”

Adam rolled his eyes, “Girls are always going to be difficult. Even the ones you don’t date. You just have to roll with the punches. And maybe let it slip to Dani that Ken doll’s been a little loopy lately. She used to be such a sweet kid. I think she’s just going through a phase. A really, really bad phase.”

Kris sighed again, leaning back into Adam, “I hope so. I really don’t want to live with her hanging over my head the rest of my life. How do you deal with all this girl crap?”

“I don’t date girls. That’s how.”

“Oh.”

Damn it. This is what he got for being too relaxed around Kris. He never needed to censor his words around him before, but this was different. Adam knew he was branded a freak by the general public, for many reasons, and he didn’t know if he could handle Kris reacting like them. Not his Kris.

“I can hear the wheels in your head turning Lambert.” He felt an arm wind around his waist, tugging him even closer for a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t care if you don’t like girls. You’re still Adam and I still love you.”

His eyes darted to the boy in his arms. No, definitely not his Kris. He hesitated for a moment before planting a kiss on Kris’ forehead.

“Love you, too, Kris.”

-

 **When Kris was sixteen, he was confused.**

Kris liked to watch people.

Not in a creepy stalker way or anything, but he found something fascinating in the traits and quirks that made up a person. The way they interacted, the way they moved, the way they looked. He appreciated the beauty of the human body, regardless of the gender said beauty belonged to. The strong, solid angles of a male body were just as interesting to him as the willowy grace in a female’s.

He didn’t think he necessarily had an attraction to the people he observed, but he did have a fascination with it. Probably because his own face was always animated, always expressing what he felt, whether he liked it or not.

Adam, on the other hand, was brilliant at hiding what he really felt. Kris figured it was the years of being onstage, adapting to and emulating whatever emotion the script called for. But Kris could always read him.

That never changed, even with the passing years and growing distance. They could have entire conversations without saying a word. At least, they could the last time he’d seen Adam, but that had been almost three years ago.

As soon as he’d graduated, Adam had spirited himself off to LA, to make a name for himself. He’d gotten a few performing gigs, done some shows, and called Kris once a week. The calls had stopped about six months into his move.

So when Adam showed up at his house, out of nowhere, Kris didn’t recognize him.

He’d opened the door to a tall dark-haired man, with a freckle-free complexion and liner-rimmed eyes. The leather jacket, skintight jeans and snakeskin boots didn’t help either.

“Can I help you?”

He smirked. “Do I really look that different?”

“Umm…I know you?”

“Honestly,” he sighed, rolling his eyes before grinning widely and pulling Kris into a tight hug.

“Adam?”

It was the smile that had done it, the way the joy spread across his face until Kris felt like smiling too. It was the way Adam’s hug still felt the same, arms gripping tight as if he never wanted to let go.

He pulled away, hands on Kris’ shoulders, biting his lip nervously.

“What do you think of the new look, Krissy?”

“I, um, it’s…you look-”

Fumbling for words because this was Adam and at the same time it wasn’t, familiar and unfamiliar all wrapped up in one incredibly attractive package, and it was screwing with Kris’ mind so very badly.

“A complete sentence would be nice.”

He sounded confident, but Kris saw the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. His arms wound around Adam’s waist as he nuzzled into his neck, bringing him back into a hug.

“You look great,” he whispered when they finally separated. Kris’ fingers ran through Adam’s newly dark hair, “The black suits you. Brings out your eyes.”

Blue, blue eyes.

It was the right thing to say because Adam grabbed him in another hug, sunny smile on his face the whole time.

“Of course I do! I’m fabulous.”

And then he just flounced into the house, yelling something about catching up and how much he missed Mama Allen’s cooking. Different look, same old Adam. Except the old Adam hadn’t messed with Kris’ head, not in the way this one did.

Obviously his body hadn’t gotten the memo that sexy or not, Adam was still Adam, and Kris could not—and did not—have a thing for him.

Because this was _Adam_ , his first real friend here, who had helped him through anything that had gone wrong in his life and celebrated with him when everything was right. It was a stupid crush that would pass eventually.

Except it didn’t.

He tried to ignore it at first. He thought it was just the shock of this new Adam who was more confident in his skin, who looked good and knew it. Kris caught himself staring at the freckles on Adam’s lips and wondering if Adam would mind if he licked them.

When ignoring said attraction didn’t work, he threw himself into his social life. He went out with his friends as often as he could and dated as many girls as possible. Shoving his tongue down the throats of numerous girls didn’t fully erase Adam from his mind.

Shoving his tongue down a boy’s throat, however, worked wonders.

-

 **When Kris was seventeen, he did something stupid.**

“We need to talk.”

Kris stared at Kezia blankly. “Are we breaking up? Is this the Speech?”

She gave him the Look, the one that meant he was being stupid again. “To receive the breakup speech, there must first be a relationship to break, and since you and I are not romantically involved, or will ever be, it is impossible for me to make a speech on that particular topic.”

At his confused gaze, she sighed loudly. “Short answer, no. But this is an intervention.”

“An intervention? What for?”

“You’ve been avoiding Adam.”

“Have not.”

“Don’t even, Kristopher. You’ve had an odd increase in dates lately. And whenever Adam’s free, you’re busy.”

“We’re graduating next year; I have a lot to do.”

He sat down on the couch, avoiding her eyes. She sat down next to him, pulling him close and leaning her head against his shoulder.

“You’re a terrible liar, sweetie. You always found time for Adam before, even if you were doing a million other things at once. You always say that he’s your best friend and that he means so much to you, but ever since he came back, you’ve been distant.”

“I don’t mean to. Stuff’s just been happening and I needed time to think-”

“Stuff like what?”

Kris’ head ended up in her lap and she ran her fingers through his hair.

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

“I’ve kinda been noticing…things…lately.”

“What kind of things?”

“Guy things?”

“Kris.” Her fingers tightened warningly in his hair.

“I made out with a guy.”

“Who?” She had that excited “I’m about to squeal all over you” tone in her voice.

“Jacob Kramer.”

Her fingers stilled.

“Kezi?”

The grip she had on his hair tightened until she was pulling—hard.

“Jacob Kramer? Jacob that goes to our school Jacob? Jacob from theatre who I’ve been the opposite of in every musical our school’s ever had Jacob? Jacob who I’ve had a crush on and been trying to go out with since freshman year Jacob?!”

“Yes,” he whimpered.

She shoved him off her. “You traitor!”

“I didn’t plan it, it just happened! We were hanging out and it was a nice night and he looked so—”

Much like Adam. His eyes held that same intensity, and in the dark, Kris could almost… But he didn’t say that. He let the sentence hang in the air, unfinished.

“Oh, honey.” She planted a kiss on Kris’ forehead. “Is this why you’ve been so high strung these last few months? Were you worried about what I’d think? You idiot! You had me so scared!”

She whacked him upside the head; he winced. “Damn it, Kezi, wasn’t the hair pulling enough?”

“Serves you right,” she huffed. “If you were freaking out over liking guys, you should’ve told me.”

“I don’t like guys.”

Kezia gave him the Look.

“Okay, I don’t like _just_ guys. I wasn’t so much freaking out over the thing with Jacob as the thing with Adam.”

Oh, he really shouldn’t have said that. He needed to work on thinking before he spoke. Maybe she wouldn’t notice.

“What thing with Adam?” Now she had the look she got whenever she discovered something she wanted to dissect and analyze to death.

Damn. He had the worst luck.

He blushed a bright pink. “It’s nothing, Kezi, forget I said anything.”

“Oh no you don’t, Kristopher. You can’t say something that monumental and expect me to ignore it! First, you tell me you made out with the hottest guy in theatre—who I’ve had my eye on since forever—and then you mention the ‘thing with Adam?’ You have to tell me what’s going on. You owe it to me.”

“I owe you nothing.”

“You made out with a guy I’ve been trying to date since the ninth grade. You owe me your firstborn or something.”

Her eyes softened and she pulled him close. “I’m one of your best friends, Kris. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. You didn’t have to go through all this by yourself, I mean, if I can’t give you a shoulder to whine on, then why the heck are we still talking after all these years?”

Kris hugged her tightly. “Have I mentioned how grateful I am that Kendall poured that juice box on your head?”

“Jerk.”

“Seriously, Kezi—thank you.”

“Now, about that thing with Adam-”

“There is no thing with Adam. He’s just been really…distracting lately.”

“Distracting? Kris, is this your way of telling me you’re in love with your hot male best friend?”

“I’m not in love with him!”

“Oh my God, you totally are!”

“Kez-”

“ _You_ have a major crush on _Adam_ —who happens to be a sexy gay man.”

Kris rolled his eyes. “That’s besides the point, Kezi. Even though he’s into guys, he won’t be into me. He’s known me since I was nine. He still sees me as the little boy from Arkansas who cried in his arms the first time they met.”

“No he doesn’t. You don’t give yourself enough credit sweetie. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re sweet and caring and gorgeous-”

“Gorgeous?”

“Yes, gorgeous.” She brushed a hand across his cheek. “You’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, inside and out. You’re so understanding and accepting of everyone; I admire that. And if Adam never realizes how wonderful you are, well, I know several people who’d be happy to get a piece of you. It helps that you’re adorable and have a great ass.”

Kris threw a throw pillow at Kezia when she pinched him and it degenerated into a disastrous pillow fight after that, conversation lost in their laughter.

~*~

Things almost went back to normal with Adam after that. Kris told him that he was just having teen angst issues and Adam accepted it without question, but Kris still couldn’t resist that urge to stare, to watch. Because Adam was different and always had been, fascinating and captivating everyone. He was sure Adam noticed, but he wasn’t going to bring it up first, not if he could avoid it. Fate decided to be a meddling bitch and do something about it anyway.

~*~

There had been a big bonfire party at the beach. Someone had decided to sneak in drinks and everyone had had a little too much. Kris’ car was in the shop so he’d asked Adam to give him a ride home. They’d gotten home in one piece, but Kris was so obviously drunk that Adam just dragged him to his own house and watched Kris stumble onto the bed.

“Adam? Adam this isn’t my room. This is your room. When did your room get into my house? Did you move in when I wasn’t looking?”

“Kris, you’re drunk, and as accepting as your parents are, they probably wouldn’t be too happy if their seventeen-year-old son came home reeking of beer.”

“M’not drunk, just tipsy. Jesus, Adam, I’ll be fine, just help me outta this shirt. It keeps trying to choke me.”

Adam tried not to laugh at the way Kris’ fingers kept missing the buttons or how his head got stuck in the neck hole of his shirt. He couldn’t stifle the laughter when he rolled off the bed after he finally freed his head with a sharp tug. “You’re hopeless, Allen.”

Kris just gave him that lopsided grin he loved so much and scrambled back onto the bed. “You love me that way, Lambert.” He stretched out on the bed like a cat, toes not even reaching the end of Adam’s bed. Adam’s eyes landed on Kris’ bare chest, golden in the soft lamplight of the room. His gaze followed the lines of Kris’ body, taking in the slender waist and narrow hips.

When the hell had he grown up? This Kris seemed almost foreign to him. But there were still hints of the boy he’d been in the brightness of his smile and eyes. Adam felt a grin spread across his own face.

“Yeah, I really do.”

Kris held a hand out to him and yanked him onto the bed, Adam sprawled on top.

“I knew you did.”

Kris pulled him closer, gaze locked on Adam’s mouth as he licked his own lips. Kris’ arms wound around his neck, pulling him closer. They were a breath away when Adam finally found the words.

“Don’t.”

Kris whimpered—actually _whimpered_ —looking up at him with big brown eyes. “Why?”

“You’re drunk.”

“Don’t people only do things they mean when they’re drunk?”

“Don’t people lose higher brain function when they’re drunk?”

“I’m not one of them.” He gripped the back of Adam’s neck, playing with the hairs at the nape. “You’re still on top of me,” Kris pointed out.

“That’s because you have your arms around me.”

Kris flushed, dropping his arms limply to his side, avoiding Adam’s gaze and worrying at his bottom lip. Adam moved to the foot of the bed while Kris stayed huddled at the head.

“I’m sorry. But you confuse me more than any girl I’ve ever been interested in and I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try. I’ve been going crazy over this, I have no idea what to do! I mean, I made out with Jacob freaking Kramer just to forget about this! Kezi found out so she’s kinda pissed but she’s also convinced I’m in love with you and I’m trying to handle this rationally, but I can’t. I’m a teenager for God’s sake, I don’t _do_ rational!”

He was nearly hyperventilating by the end. Adam knelt in front of him, running soothing hands across his back.

“Whoa, Kris, slow down.” He could feel the shudders running through Kris’ body. He pulled him close until Kris was seated in his lap, face buried in the curve between neck and shoulder. “Is this the craziness I’ve been missing the past few years? Kris, you can’t not tell me these things! When exactly did your life turn into some sort of soap opera?”

“Around the time you decided to be too damn hot for your own good,” he mumbled into Adam’s neck.

“What was that?”

“Around the time I got into a car with Jacob and decided it was a good idea for us to suck face?”

“You know, it’s alright to be curious, honey. There’s nothing wrong with wondering.”

“So why won’t you let me kiss _you_?”

Kris had left the shelter of Adam’s neck and, oh for God’s sake, was pouting.

“Because,” he said, exasperated, running a hand through his hair.

Because this was Kris. Because he’d known him since Adam was twelve and he’d immediately trusted Adam to dry his tears and be his friend. Because Kris was the same age as his little brother for crying out loud, which meant this was definitely illegal. Because he absolutely did _not_ want Kris.

He wriggled a bit in Adam’s lap and nipped at his neck. “That’s not a reason.”

Even if he was his type and looked really good in his arms and felt even better in them.

“Kris, stop, please. This can’t happen; we’re friends. Things will get messy. And not in the good way.”

“It could be the good way.”

He felt lips feathering light kisses against his neck, his jaw—and _hel **lo**_ that was his crotch Kris’ hand was getting acquainted with.

“This is so not happening.”

“Why not? Why can’t it be you? Would you prefer it if I did this with some random stranger instead?” Another squeeze of his hand made Adam groan. “I want it to be you. I’ve always trusted you with everything. Why can’t I trust you with this?”

“Kris, I-”

His hand moved to Adam’s waist, the other one caressing his bottom lip lightly. “Let me finish. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I need to know if this is real or I’m just a hormonal teenage boy with a best friend who’s universally sexy.”

“Oh, Kris.” He tangled a hand in Kris’ hair, pulling him close, cradling him in his arms. “I’m flattered, sweetie, but I love you too much to fuck us up. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you because we had some weird, random, hormone-fueled fling.”

Kris looked like someone had punched him in the stomach. “Oh.”

“Baby, don’t look at me like that.”

Adam held him tight as they shifted on the bed and laid down, Kris’ head resting on his chest.

“You’ll figure things out, with or without my help,” he said, planting a kiss on his forehead. “Sleep it off okay? Hangovers can be killer.”

Adam reached over Kris’ body to turn off the lamp. They laid in the dark silently for a long time.

As Kris drifted off to sleep, he thought he felt the soft brush of lips against his own.

~*~

He woke up alone, head pounding, mouth too dry, and a note on the pillow beside him.

 _I need some time away._

The “from you” was unwritten but implied.

 _Please understand._

And he tried to, he really did.

But he stopped talking to him after that.

-

 **When Kris was nineteen, he lost his virginity.**

It’d been just another college party, filled with booze and horny college kids. Kris had been getting steadily drunker, the cup in his hand refilling itself when he wasn’t looking. He almost fell over but strong arms caught him.

“Easy there, short stuff. Wouldn’t want that pretty face to get damaged.”

He looked up into green eyes.

“You have pretty eyes.”

The stranger grinned widely at him. Kris felt the blush spread across his face and down his body as those eyes raked over his form.

“You’re even cuter up close,” he whispered, leaning in until all Kris saw was bright green before he was pulled into a kiss.

Kris didn’t resist the hands that dragged him up the stairs or pushed him onto the bed. He didn’t resist when those hands scrabbled to remove his shirt, his jeans, his briefs. He didn’t resist the urge to moan as he was sucked into a warm mouth while insistent hands spread his legs obscenely. He resisted the impulse to cry out Adam’s name as he was filled again and again, Adam on his mind, behind his eyes, watching him, wanting him.

The morning after, Kris woke up next to a black fedora with a neon pink Post-it note on the brim.

 _Hey, sweetness. Last night rocked my world ^_~. You know, for coming in pocket-size, you make a lot of noise. Don’t worry, I like them loud.  
-Matt (So, what’s your name? We kinda didn’t get around to introductions last night.)_

And that was how Kris met Matt Giraud. Somehow, Matt tracked him down, and that night, they had a repeat of their first meeting, sans alcohol. That was the start of their strange arrangement. Kris had never really believed in having friends with benefits but somehow Matt had convinced him. A bed may or may not have been involved.

Even though it hadn’t been serious, Kris and Matt had become close. Matt was attractive, funny and good with his hands—and other choice body parts.

Eight months later, it all went to hell.

His mom had been worried about Kris being in LA all by himself, so she’d told Adam to “check up on Kristopher” every once in a while to make sure he hadn’t drunk himself to death during a party or something like that. He loved his mom, he really did, but it was a bit irritating that she felt he needed a babysitter.

The fact that it was Adam only made it worse.

They’d never really talked about what happened that night—hell, they didn’t talk at all anymore—but it hung between them, unacknowledged yet constantly replaying itself whenever they saw each other, which meant Adam tried to keep the visits to a minimum. They were sporadic at best, and Kris never knew when he’d magically appear.

He should’ve known Adam would show up at the worst possible moment.

Kris and Kezia were sharing an apartment off-campus, and for the first time that week, he and Matt had the place to themselves. Needless to say, they were taking advantage of that fact.

They’d been watching a movie on his bed when Matt’s hand made its way inside his jeans. The next thing he knew, he was straddling Matt’s thighs, grinding down as large hands gripped his ass, pulling him closer as Kris struggled to remove his clothes and undo the zipper on Matt’s jeans at the same time. They fumbled for the lube and condoms in the nightstand, and then slick fingers were pushing into him.

“You look so good like this.” Matt’s fingers curled, a satisfied smirk on his face as he drank in the way Kris’ head tilted back, mouth open wide in a silent moan.

“Shut up and fuck me.”

The fingers slipped out and Kris slowly slid down the hard shaft, moaning into Matt’s neck. Hands made their way to his hips, holding him tightly and pulling him back up before letting him sink back down. Kris writhed in his lap, movements getting more and more frantic.

“Kristopher Neil Allen, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Fuck. Adam. When Kezia got home, he was going to kill her for giving Adam a key.

Matt’s hands flew away from his body and Kris buried his face in Matt’s chest, groaning. They pulled apart and dressed quickly. It was the first time Kris saw Matt nervous; his hands shook as he tried to button his shirt. Kris reached for them, doing them for him, smiling crookedly at the soft thanks Matt uttered.

Adam cleared his throat loudly, and Kris already knew that he was going to be bitchy about this. Instead of answering him, he pulled Matt to the door.

“Kris-”

He silenced him with a kiss. “Don’t worry about it, Matt. I’ll talk to him and it’ll be fine; I think he’s just in shock. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Matt nodded, shooting him one last concerned glance before he left. Kris closed the door behind him and slumped against it, waiting for the explosion.

“I’m still waiting for an explanation, Kristopher.”

Kris shrugged. “It’s exactly what it looked like, Adam. Not many other ways to interpret it.”

Adam glared at him, eyes cold, voice just as icy. “You were letting him fuck you.”

“Yeah, I was. And I was enjoying it until _someone _decided to barge in and ruin the first moment alone we’ve had for a week.”__

 _“Oh, so this is a normal occurrence? You do that with him regularly?”_

 _“Eight months now.”_

 _“You’re dating.”_

 _“Not exactly…”_

 _“Oh, friends with benefits. Even better.”_

 _The scorn and derision in his tone made Kris’ nails bite into his palm. Adam was looking at him like he was the gum stuck to the bottom of his stupid snakeskin boots. He was sick and tired of dealing with Adam’s inner diva._

 _“You have no right to tell me what to do! You made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want me. You don’t want me and Matt does, so just fuck off and leave me alone.”_

 _“He doesn’t care about you!”_

 _“And you do?”_

 _Hands twitched, wanting to touch but knowing they couldn’t, not anymore._

 _“Goddamnit, Kris! Don’t do this.”_

 _Pleading eyes, hurt and lost, yearning. Too much._

 _“Don’t do what, Adam? Huh? Don’t do what, be happy? Am I not allowed to have a boyfriend? Am I supposed to wait for you to pull your head out of your ass and notice me? Because I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to be a fucking charity case and wait for you. You had your chance and you didn’t want it. He likes me, he cares about me, and we’re good together.”_

 _Pain. Sharp, biting pain, because Kris never lashed out at him, not at Adam, never at Adam. It felt like a chasm between them, and Adam couldn’t believe this was Kris, who he used to know better than anyone, who used to come to him for anything._

 _“That’s because you’re putting out.”_

 _That one hit its mark and he felt a curl of vicious satisfaction that died a little at the utter anguish in Kris’ eyes. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth._

 _“So what? He’s good to me, in bed and out.”_

 _Hurt for hurt._

 _Kris’ fists were clenched, tension in every line of his body. It broke Adam’s heart because this was his fault; _he_ did this. He hurt his Kris, and Adam was terrified that they couldn’t fix this, fix them._

“Kris, I-”

Hands reached out, almost touching. Kris put a hand to Adam’s chest, kept him away. “Save it.”

Adam slammed him against the door and pulled him into a rough, desperate kiss. Kris was rigid in his arms at first, then he pulled Adam closer. Kris bit Adam’s bottom lip hard, tasted the tang of blood.

“God, I hate you, Lambert.”

“I love you. Always, Kris, always.”

“You’re such a fucking liar.”

Adam held him against the door, slowing the kiss down until it was softer, gentler. “Never to you,” he whispered against Kris' lips.

Kris’ eyes stung as Adam wiped away the tears. Kris shoved him away. “Damn it, Adam, you can’t do this to me! You can’t say you don’t want me and then decide you do; it doesn’t work like that.”

“I’m sorry. But I couldn’t handle it, Kris. I mean before that, the last time I saw you, you were freaking out about girls and you’d just started high school. You hadn’t even hit your growth spurt yet!”

The joke fell flat. If anything, it fueled the growing anger in Kris’ eyes. “And you think I had this easy? Do you think I wanted to become obsessed with my best friend who isn’t the least bit interested in me because he thinks I’m still the little boy he met ten years ago?”

“Kris-”

“That’s beside the point anyway. The point is, you have no right to me, I can do what I want. End of discussion.”

“You can do what you want? What if this got back to your mom?”

“And who’s going to tell her? You?”

“You know I wouldn’t.”

“Then I have nothing to worry about.”

“Kris, this isn’t fun and games. If you’re serious about this, then fine, you keep screwing your little friend. But if this is just straight boy curiosity getting out of hand, well, you’ll save yourself and everyone else a lot of trouble if you quit now. I’ve seen how this ends up honey, and it isn’t pretty. Sooner or later, you’ll get bored and then you’ll freak out about how abnormal you’ve been acting and try to compensate by going through as many girls as possible.”

“Thanks for having faith in me. Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, I know what I want and I’m going after it?”

“I don’t think you know what you want.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“Well, you’re getting it. You’ve always been smart, Kris. You know better. And if you keep dicking around like this, you’re going to get burned.”

“And you thought kissing me would help me realize the horrible mistake I made?”

Kris’ arms were crossed, hands clenched tightly. Adam took Kris’ tense hand in his.

“It was the first thing I thought of that would catch your attention.”

He jerked his hand out of Adam’s grip, shoving past him to stand on the opposite side of the room.

“You don’t know what I want. You don’t know anything about me, not anymore. You’ve made your obligatory visit, so you can go tell my mom her baby’s doing fine away from home and that I’m not doing anything that’s gonna get me killed. Now get the hell out.”

“Kris-”

“Out, Lambert.”

He walked back to the door, opening it and letting it slam against the wall. Kris glared at Adam expectantly, waiting.

“Can’t we talk about this?”

But Adam was walking to the door anyway, crossing the threshold, rarely seen vulnerability in his eyes.

Kris couldn’t bring himself to care.

“We’re done talking. In fact, I’d love it if we never spoke again.”

Kris slammed the door in his face.

Adam stood in the hallway, staring. He had to fix this, he couldn’t leave things like this. He reached for the key, fumbling through his pockets until his fingers gripped the cold metal.

 _Kris, upset and angry, rage directed at Adam. “God, I hate you, Lambert.”_

His fingers slackened. Kris had made his decision. He should respect that. He owed him that much.

 _Kris as he’d first known him, sad and lonely, big brown eyes filled with tears. Trusting Adam not to hurt him, to take care of him. To be there._

Adam walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**When Kris was twenty, he tried to change.**

“It’s over.”

“What?”

“Look, this isn’t working out the way I was hoping it would. I need more than this,” Matt said, gesturing between them.

“This?”

“This casual relationship thing we have going on. I want more than that from you, Kris. I was fine with it at first, but it’s been over a year since we started seeing each other. I think I’m in love with you.”

“You love me?”

Kris’ mouth was open in shock, eyes wide and dazed, lips full and right there, just calling Matt’s name. Maybe he should just tell his brain to shut up and screw Kris into the mattress again. Then he looked into Kris’ eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes, and thought about how he’d seen so many emotions flit through them, but never the one he wanted.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I think about you all the time. How absolutely amazing you are. How the sex is great, but how I want to do more than that too, like those stupid couples who walk around holding hands and make kissy faces at each other.”

“ _You_ want to walk around campus holding hands and making kissy faces?”

“That’s not the point, jackass. I want more from you and I don’t think you want this to get any deeper than it is.”

“Matt, I-”

“No. I think it’s best if we stopped this thing now. You want something else, Kris, and it’s not me. Maybe we can salvage our friendship or something.”

Kris pulled him into a tight hug, and this, _this_ was why he thought he was in love with this man. This amazing, perfect man who wasn’t his, even though he’d had him in almost every position in every room of his damn apartment.

“I will always be your friend, Matt. I’m sorry I can’t be what you need. I do love you, just not like that. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Matt groaned, “Dude, don’t make it worse by throwing in the clichéd breakup lines.”

They both laughed at that and Matt stood up from the couch, making his way to the door, Kris following. Once they reached the doorway, they looked at each other. Matt took one more look at Kris’ face, still searching for something he knew he wasn’t going to find.

“I’ll see you around, man.”

“Yeah. See you.”

Matt hesitated for a second before he pulled Kris to him, stealing one last kiss against his better judgment. He wanted to savor this, the feeling of Kris in his arms, tight, compact body pressed right against his, the scent of soap and Kris and didn’t think about how this was the last time he would be able to feel this.

He tried not to whimper at the sight of Kris when he finally pulled away. His eyes were glazed, lips red and swollen, breath coming out in audible pants. God, he wanted him. But Kris wasn’t his to have.

“Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Call me. You, me and Kezia should catch a movie or something.”

He started to walk down the hallway, but halfway to the elevator, he turned around and shouted, “Good luck getting into Adam’s pants!”

The deer in the headlights expression that crossed Kris’ face confirmed Matt’s suspicions. He chuckled at his friend’s bewildered look. Maybe their friendship didn’t need to be salvaged after all; but it did look like Kris needed some time to think. By the time Kris’ shock had worn off, Matt was already disappearing behind the elevator doors, grinning goofily and waving at him.

“What the hell just happened?”

Kezia came home several hours later to Kris sitting on the couch watching _Moulin Rouge_ and eating her last piece of cheesecake.

~*~

It really wasn’t that bad not being with Matt anymore. They still talked and hung out, but there was no more sex involved, which, admittedly, Kris kind of missed. But he took one look at Matt’s new girlfriend - an art major named Charlotte who walked around campus with him holding hands and, sometimes, making kissy faces - and decided it was for the best.

Kezia, after she’d gotten the whole story out of him - and beaten him up for taking the last piece of cheesecake - had made it her goal in life to set him up with as many of her friends as possible. He understood that she was just trying to help, but some of her friends were less than sane.

The worst had been a girl named Bethany, an English major with pale skin and dyed black hair who had taken one look at him and went on an hour long rant on everything that was wrong with him. He tried not to slap her when she started mocking his plaid shirts.

There had been a few good ones too, like Mark, a music major with long, slim fingers who had taught him how to play a song but ended up pushing Kris against the piano and kissing him until he was breathless instead; or Jillian, a pretty redhead with a wicked sense of humor that had made him alternately blush and laugh during their date.

But regardless of how many of them she threw his way, he never dated any of them more than once. He just wasn’t interested.

To be honest, he was still thrown by what Matt had said when they’d broken up. When the hell had he given him the impression that he was still interested in Adam? Because he wasn’t, not anymore.

Adam was part of his past.

~*~

“You want me to do what?”

Kezia was gnawing on her bottom lip, eyes anxious, long, slim fingers twisting a lock of hair.

“Come with me to the club. Please?”

“Kezi-”

“I know it’s not your usual scene, but it’s your birthday, damn it! We’re going to go to a club and get you legally drunk. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“No.”

“But, Kris-”

“Still not happening. You know I’m not into clubbing. And last time I checked, you weren’t either.”

“I just want to try something new.”

Kris snorted, “Right. Your newfound curiosity has nothing to do with you and Eddie breaking up.”

“It doesn’t. And don’t speak that asshole’s name unless you want me to throw something at you.”

“I’ve fulfilled my abuse quota for the day, so I’ll pass.”

“But, Kris!” She clamped a hand around his wrist. “You only turn twenty-one once! Are you being mopey because of Matt?”

“No,” Kris sighed. “I mean I’ve dated other people since then, haven’t I? I just don’t feel like celebrating.”

“Yeah, right. You’re depressed because he broke up with you and moved on quickly. End of story, Kris.” She emphasized each word with a jab of her finger into his chest, and he rubbed at it absently before answering.

“Matt didn’t break up with me, we weren’t even going out! It was just an arrangement we had that ended agreeably.”

“An arrangement? Way to make it sound like it was all business and didn’t involve hours of hot, sweaty sex.”

“Kezi!” He could feel his blush working its way down his face.

“It’s the truth. I should know, I heard you two often enough. You can be upset, sweetie. You and him were together for a while. It might not have been serious but you were a little attached weren’t you?”

“Maybe,” he mumbled.

Except his reluctance to do much of anything had nothing to do with Matt.

“Don’t lie to me, Kristopher. It’s your birthday! So, we’re going to go to a club to indulge in a time-honored method of celebration: getting ridiculously drunk and sleeping with random strangers!”

“I am _not_ going to a damn club!”

~*~

Except he did.

He was going to kill Kezia when they got back home for dragging him here just so she could have her own private pity party. Actually, by the way she was flirting heavily with a leggy, tattooed blonde, she was definitely past the pity party and on her way to having a rebound fuck.

Kris tried not to laugh at how put-out Kezia looked as a man wrapped an arm around the blonde’s waist. He scowled when she practically glowed as the blonde grabbed her arm, pulling her back before she could walk away from them.

She was drunk and possibly going home with a couple who looked like they wanted to eat her alive. Fantastic.

He needed a drink.

He plopped down onto a barstool and waited for the bartender to notice him.

“What can I get you, cutie?”

“Something strong that won’t make me too drunk to remember to save my roommate.”

“Coming right up.”

Kris barely registered the color of the liquid in his glass before he downed it. Then he started coughing like his lungs were trying to make an escape from his body.

“You really shouldn’t have done that,” he said, placing a bottled water in front of Kris.

“You really should have told me beforehand,” he replied, sipping at his water slowly.

“And miss your reaction? No way, cutie.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Kris sighed as the cold water slid down his aching throat before his eyes finally landed on the bartender.

He was kind of hot. Okay, really hot, if Kris was going to be honest with himself. Dark hair, dark skin, blue, blue eyes that were raking all over his body.

Maybe Kezi wasn’t the only one getting some tonight.

Whatever was in that drink must have been strong because Kris wasn’t usually this eager to fall into bed with a random stranger - who probably wasn’t interested anyway. Even though he was looking at Kris the way Kezia looked at strawberry cheesecake.

“So what’s your story, cutie? You don’t look like the clubbing type.”

“I’m not. And my name’s Kris. With a K. Not cutie.”

The bartender grinned at him, unrepentant. “Well, Kris with a K, you’re still pretty damn cute. And you didn’t answer my question.”

“I wasn’t aware that serving me a drink gave you the right to pry into my personal life.”

Now he looked contrite. “It doesn’t. I’m sorry about that.” That grin from before was back, a hint of something more in his smile. “I’m Aaron.”

He held out a hand and Kris stared at it before taking it in his, shaking firmly.

“Hi.”

“Seriously though, I’ve never seen you here before. I’m pretty sure I’d remember you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You look good enough to eat.”

The smile was definitely feral this time, blue eyes watching with intent. There was something strangely familiar in the curve of his lips, the gleam in his eye. Kris felt the blush warming his face, words stumbling from his mouth.

“I-umm-my…my friend wanted to come. Just got out of a relationship.”

“Ah. On the rebound?”

Kris snorted, “Definitely. She dragged me with her. Something about my moping getting on her last nerve.”

“What do you have to mope about? You’re young, you’re cute, you’re disease-free. You are clean right? Because if you have some sort of STD, it’d really put a damper on our relationship.”

“We don’t have a relationship. You’re really blunt.”

Aaron laughed, a loud throaty chuckle that sent thrills down his spine. “And that wasn’t? Sorry, cutie, but I think you broke my filter. I’m usually not this frank on the first date.”

“So now we’re on a date?”

“Well, you’ve been here almost five minutes and you haven’t noticed that guy over there’s been burning a hole in your skull the entire time because you find my conversation so scintillating.”

“Hmm?” Kris turned in the direction Aaron was pointing at and flushed at the leer he received from a big, brawny blond seated at the other end of the bar.

“Oh.”

“Are you blushing?”

“No.”

“Yeah you are, don’t lie.”

Kris kept his eyes firmly on the floor, refusing to meet Aaron’s gaze. He placed a hand under Kris’ chin, tilting his face up.

“Besides, I think it’s cute.”

He flashed Kris a reassuring smile and got a crooked grin in return. He tried to keep it from morphing into smirk when the blond got up and made his way to the exit, glaring at him over Kris’ head.

“Thanks.”

It felt a bit like something out of a movie, that moment before everything slotted into place. The atmosphere, the heat, the darkening blue waters of Aaron’s eyes as he moved closer, breath ghosting across Kris’ lips.

“Wait.”

Aaron groaned, retreating further behind the bar. Kris reached for his arm, pulling him back.

“I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not that I don’t like you, I mean,” his face flushed, “I do, but I’m just one big mess right now.”

“Stop apologizing, cutie. Unless you want to apologize for stopping, in which case, go right ahead.”

“You’re a shameless flirt.”

“And you’re shamelessly adorable. Look, we just met. We don’t have to do anything complicated.”

That smirk again, accompanied by a warm hand on his own. His pulse beat underneath Kris’ fingers where he was still holding onto his wrist, warmth seeping into his skin as Aaron moved closer.

“Well, um-”

“Kris!”

Kris banged against the bar as Kezia leapt at him, arms tight around his waist.

“Ow! Damn it, Kezi-”

“Yell at me later. I’m going home with-with…what are your names again?”

A loud laugh filled Kris’ ears. “Megan and Anoop, honey.”

He turned around, Kezia still attached to his waist, Aaron standing behind the bar looking annoyed at being interrupted. Again. It was the same couple from earlier, a gorgeous blonde with a tattoo sleeve on her right arm and a good-looking Indian man with his arm wrapped possessively around her waist.

“Right, Meganoop,” Kezia slurred, swaying a little as she rested her head on Kris’ shoulder.

“Meganoop?” The blonde - Megan apparently - tilted her head to the side before beaming brightly. “I like it. That’s officially our name from now on.”

“What? We are not using a cutesy celebrity couple name.”

The blonde ignored her boyfriend, blue, blue eyes catching Kris’ gaze, interest sparking in them.

“Hey there, pretty boy. Ooh, Anoop, can we take him home too?”

“Baby, one drunk in our apartment is more than enough for tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

Kris couldn’t tell if they were joking or not, but judging by the way Megan’s eyes glittered as she looked him over, she definitely meant it. Anoop looked like he was trying not to laugh.

“I can just take her back to our apartment. She’s really not thinking clearly right now,” Kris said, recalling the numerous drinks he’d seen in Kezia’s hand throughout the night.

“Relax, honey. She’s _more_ than willing.”

Megan had grabbed onto Kezia, pulling her in for a kiss. Kezia relaxed in her hold instantly, winding her arms around Megan’s neck, hands sliding into her hair as she deepened the kiss. When they finally separated, Kezia was flushed and her voice was breathy when she assured Kris that she was perfectly alright and not to worry if she didn’t come home that night.

“But-”

“Don’t worry, Kris. It is Kris right? We’ll bring Kezia here home in one piece.” Anoop traced Kris’ jaw line, chuckling at the dazed look in eyes. “You can trust us. Let’s head out of here, Megan. We have a pleasant night ahead of us.”

With that, the three of them left, Kezia sandwiched between Megan and Anoop’s bodies. Kris stared after them, bewildered.

“Don’t worry about it, cutie, those two are legit. They won’t hurt her.”

“Are you sure?”

Aaron felt his heart melt a bit at how worried Kris looked, brown eyes wide, lips curving into a pout. He reminded him of something cute and cuddly. Like a koala.

“Don’t worry. She’s in good hands. I’ve known Megan and Anoop for a while, and their thirds always come back in one piece.”

“Oh.”

“She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself. In the meantime,” he pulled Kris close, “you owe me a kiss. Two, in fact.”

“Two?”

“One for when you decided to be a tease, and another for when your friend interrupted us.”

“Oh.”

Quiet and raspy, barely audible among the loud music and cacophony of voices. This time, no one stopped their lips from meeting.

~*~

Aaron slipped into his life almost seamlessly. It felt like he was supposed to be there, like every part of Kris had been waiting for Aaron to slip in and make him complete. It was like everything that he’d always poked fun at when they happened in movies. That sense of rightness and peace, the sheer bliss every moment seemed coated in.

How Aaron moved into their apartment went like this:

It’d been gradual, a few shirts and socks that had been left on Kris’ bedroom floor when Aaron had to rush back home; a toothbrush when they’d decided to lay in bed for a few minutes longer and woke up to the sun streaming through the window; a few groceries that Aaron just had to have on hand.

They hadn’t even noticed until Kezia had wondered out loud why he didn’t just sublet his apartment and move in with them after having another disastrous encounter with what she had dubbed “the Aaron shelf” in their refrigerator.

Kris was happy. Aaron was a good guy and they were good together, but he couldn’t help feeling like something was off, despite how perfectly everything fit together. For one thing, Aaron still hadn’t earned the Kezia seal of approval, even after all this time. She tolerated him, but she made it perfectly clear that the second he stopped making Kris happy, she was kicking his ass out.

Another thing was that it all felt _too_ perfect; it was surreal. Maybe Kris just had to redefine his idea of love. Love didn’t always have to be earth-shattering and heartbreaking. Maybe it just had to feel right, and Kris couldn’t deny that it felt right being with Aaron. He was content.

But sometimes, when Kris wasn’t fully awake, that mess of dark hair on his head reminded him of someone else. Sometimes, he’d stare into those blue eyes and think they weren’t blue enough. Sometimes, he’d hug Aaron and think about how their bodies didn’t fit together right away.

Most of the time, Kris missed Adam.

He missed the little things. The way Adam always hummed or sang under his breath, like the music was a living, breathing part of him. The way he hadn’t minded how often Kris had hugged him - had welcomed it even - or how he’d always kept some sort of physical contact with Kris when they were within arms’ reach of each other.

The way they’d always known what the other was thinking or what they wanted. The way they didn’t even need words most of the time. With one look, Adam had known exactly what to do, what to say. At least he had. Kris tried not to remember the last time he’d seen Adam; the anger, the hurt, the kisses.

Adam hadn’t tried to talk to him since then, and Kris didn’t know if he was happy that he’d listened to his request or upset that he hadn’t fought for their friendship. The Adam he’d known wouldn’t have just walked away from everything they had been to each other. The Adam he’d known would have stayed until Kris had let him back in.

That was the problem though, wasn’t it? The Adam he’d known was years past and whoever he was now wasn’t who he had been then.

Reconciling new Adam and old Adam seemed impossible. Because he could see bits and pieces of the Adam he’d known. He had confidence in himself, but at his core, he was still Adam. He was still the ginger kid who had decided to comfort and befriend a crying nine-year-old. He was simultaneously the best friend Kris had ever had and the first man Kris had been attracted to and Kris couldn’t put the two things together without obliterating one.

It didn’t matter now anyway, because he had lost Adam as a whole and he had to move past that.

~*~

“Kris? Kris, please talk to me. We can’t end things like this. Please, baby, open the door. Kris? Kris! Damn it, just let me in! I don’t think Kezia wants, or needs, to hear this.”

Kris opened the door, enough for Aaron to see his face. His face was always so open and honest in its expressions and Aaron felt his heart break at how defeated Kris looked. He instinctively reached out to touch Kris’ cheek and winced at the instant flinch he received at the action.

“There’s nothing left to talk about. You cheated on me.”

“Kris-”

The defeat was gone, replaced by fury. It was just Aaron’s luck that Kris looked breathtaking in his anger.

“Don’t even try to explain this to me! There’s no other explanation for it! I fucking trusted you and you went out and picked up some trick from the club. Not only that, but you brought him back here, where we _live_ , into our _bed_ to screw him! What, a hotel room isn’t thrilling enough for you? You need to have the excitement of getting caught? Or maybe you wanted me to join in, hmm? Is that what you wanted?”

“Yes!”

Kris’ glare faltered. “What?”

“Yes. Yes, I wanted you to join, alright?”

Kris’ grip on the door slackened, enough for Aaron to push past him, locking the bedroom door behind him before sitting on their bed, head in his hands.

“I never told you how I met Megan and Anoop, did I? I was one of their thirds.”

“You…what?”

He sighed “Look, I didn’t know how you’d react if I told you, so I didn’t. I’ve always had a thing for threesomes I guess. I thought you’d be enough. But then you weren’t anymore, so I went looking for couples. The guy I brought home, he was my way of telling you what I wanted.”

Kris sat down next to him, dazed. “You put me through all this because you had a kink that you didn’t want to tell me about in a rational way.”

“Yes.”

“You are a fucking moron.”

“I know.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“I know.”

“I can’t fucking believe this.”

“I know, baby, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know you haven’t been with a lot of people. I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“I’m your damn boyfriend, Aaron. You’re living in my apartment. I trusted you. I care about you. Just because I’m inexperienced doesn’t mean I’d reject the idea of a threesome.”

“I know. I should’ve just told you. I’ve always been the third Kris. Most couples will include you a bit then forget about you to go off into their own little world. I was always the outsider. I want to know the other side of it, to know that even if we bring in other people, in the end, I’ll have you with me.”

“I…I don’t know. I need to think about this.”

“Please, baby, don’t shut me out. I love you. I need you. Please don’t leave me.”

“What?”

“Damn it, I didn’t mean to say that, not like this. I know we haven’t said it before, but if I’m losing you now, I need you to know that I do love you and that this isn’t just some fling. I love you, Kris.”

“I…me too.”

Aaron’s smile was brilliant. “Oh, Kris,” he breathed out before tugging him into his arms, kissing him passionately.

Later, with the scent of sex in the air and Aaron’s body pressed warm against his back, Kris tried not to think about how empty he felt.

~*~

Aaron brought home a prospective third. He’d called Kris from the club to tell him he thought he found the right one

What Aaron hadn’t told him was that it was Adam.

Kris had been lying in bed in nothing but his boxers, waiting nervously for them to arrive, wondering if he should be naked or keep the boxers on, turn off the lights or leave them on, when they’d stumbled into the bedroom making out, Aaron biting at Adam’s throat while Adam’s fingers worked at Aaron’s zipper. Adam froze the instant their eyes met and Kris felt his throat constrict, unable to breath for a few seconds.

“I told you my boyfriend was going to get involved. Gorgeous, isn’t he? You can play with him later. Now, why’d you stop?” Aaron demanded, forcing Adam’s hand back to his pants.

Adam resisted, using one hand to push Aaron firmly away before staring at Kris. Kris felt tears well up in his eyes as he took in every inch of Adam. His hair was still black, but getting lighter, like it needed to be redone. His jeans were skintight, his shirt unbuttoned, and he had glitter all over him.

His eyes were glued to Kris’ and Kris only needed to see him mouth his name before he was leaping at him, holding onto him tight, sobbing incoherently into his shirt.

“MissedyousomuchAdamsomuchcan’tbelieveyou’rehereyouidiotgodImissedyou.”

Kris could hear Aaron shouting in the background, but it was like he was underwater, unable to make out anything but Adam’s soothing whisper.

“Hush, honey, it’s alright, I’m here. I missed you too. More than you know.”

~*~

Adam was his best friend again.

On the surface, it looked the same, but all the intimacy that had been between them - all the trust - it had vanished. They stuck to topics they both knew were safe and shied away from the ones they were unsure of. It was all too easy to pretend that the past few years hadn’t happened, that Kris was satisfied with the way things were.

Bringing Adam back into the picture strained his relationship with Aaron even further. Aaron wasn’t particularly happy with their history together - the watered-down version he’d been given at least - and it was just another on top of the continually growing list of problems. Whatever had brought them together in the beginning had faded, the earlier happiness nothing but a distant memory. It had been overshadowed by everything that had happened since.

Kris felt indifferent to it all. He felt as if he was watching their relationship implode from a distance, a spectator in the audience instead of a main character.

He wanted to blame something else, something that wasn’t just the two of them drifting apart, unable to fit together the way they once had. They were just two people who had forgotten how to be happy with each other.

The day he finally told Aaron it was over went like this:

It was instant, Kris blurting the words out before he even knew he was speaking them. Aaron didn’t take it well, angry words and thrown objects that narrowly missed Kris’ head, mementoes that documented happier times.

The picture Kezia took of their first kiss sailed by, the frame cracking as it made contact with the wall. A green ceramic koala that they’d painted on one of their early dates broke apart into millions of pieces on the floor. The book he’d gotten him for his birthday, a hardcover over 500 pages long, hit Kris’ shoulder, making him wince.

The attack stopped and Kris heard Aaron cursing loudly in their bedroom. From his spot behind the couch, he saw clothes being flung out of their closet and haphazardly landing in a suitcase.

Kris ventured into the room, standing by the door, doorknob in hand in case Aaron found more projectiles. After a few minutes, Aaron stopped moving, staring at the crumpled shirt in his hands. It was a red plaid shirt, one of Kris’ favorites.

“We really screwed things up didn’t we? It was so good in the beginning Kris. _We_ were good.”

He kept his gaze on the shirt as he spoke, stroking the shirt tenderly, as if it could bring back what they’d lost.

“We were so happy. I loved that I was making you happy. But I wasn’t really, was I? I just thought I was, and maybe you thought so too. But eventually, you realized that whatever we had, it wasn’t what you really wanted. I hated it. I hated that I wasn’t good enough for you. I hated you and I loved you at the same time. I found those other guys and those couples, because at least with them, I knew where I stood. I knew that they’d want me gone in the morning because I was just instant gratification.

“But with you, I was never sure of where we were. Because even though we’ve been together for so long, even though we live together, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re going to say before you do. I don’t know what you’re thinking with one look. I don’t know you the way Adam does.”

Kris tentatively put a hand on his shoulder, felt the tense muscles underneath Aaron’s skin. “Aaron-”

His hands clenched around the shirt. “Don’t. Don’t talk, or I may lose whatever self-control I have left. I loved you, Kris. I loved you and you could care less. That’s why you let this turn into some sick, twisted soap opera of a relationship instead of trying to fix things before they got this bad.”

Aaron closed his suitcase, throwing the shirt to the floor. He walked through the living room - ignoring the chaos surrounding him - and Kris followed, a small part of him wanting to recapture whatever they’d had, but knowing it was too late.

There was nothing left to save.

“I did love you. You did make me happy. I want you to know that. I know that seems hard to believe after everything, but you gave me so much.”

Kris sounded so sincere about it, so genuine, and Aaron wanted believe that, but it didn’t change the fact that “whatever I gave you, it wasn’t enough.”

He walked out the door and out of Kris’ life.

~*~

Kris cried afterwards; just fell to his knees and sobbed. For what they’d been, what they could’ve been. For losing what had seemed beautiful and mutated into something distorted. All of it. No matter how prepared he thought he was, no matter how broken their relationship had been at the end, Kris wasn’t ready for the pain that officially losing Aaron brought.

It hurt to think about. but that was all he did. He kept replaying their relationship over and over in his head, wondering where and when it went wrong, how it went wrong, why it went wrong. Too many questions and never any answers because they were both to blame.

Life still went on, with Aaron, without Aaron, whatever. The days ran together after a while. Kezia kept telling him he was being pathetic, but he could hear the undercurrent of anxiety in her voice. He just sat with his guitar on the couch, absently strumming minor chords and singing depressing love songs, blocking her out. He wanted to drown in his misery.

~*~

“Adam, it’s Kezia.”

“Kezia? How the hell do you have my number? And why are you calling me in the middle of a show?”

“It’s about Kris. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been weeks.”

“Since what?”

“Since Kris and Aaron broke up.”

“Wait, they broke up? When?”

“Officially, six weeks ago. Really…a long time ago.”

“What do you mean officially? Damn it, Kezia, intermission only lasts so long. I don’t have time to play guessing games with you!”

“Keep your panties on, Adam. Assuming you’re wearing any.”

“Haha. Quit making snippy comments about me and tell me what’s wrong with my Kris.”

“ _Your_ Kris?”

“Kezia, I swear I am going to maim you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong with him right now!”

“He’s acting like a depressed teenager, that’s what! All he does is sit around with his guitar and play depressing love songs. He only eats when I tell him to, he keeps falling asleep on the couch because he won’t stop playing those stupid songs and he hasn’t touched his room unless it’s to change after a shower. Which he only takes every two or three days!”

“Obviously, Kristopher’s personal care regime has gone downhill. He just got out of a long term relationship, honey. Give him time to do the moping thing and then force him back into the land of the living.”

“I know it sucks when you break up with someone, but he’s known this was coming for a while. They haven’t been happy for a long time. I was just waiting for Kris to grow a pair and dump him.”

“You knew it was bad and you didn’t knock some sense into that boy?”

“He wouldn’t listen to me! He knew I didn’t like Aaron, never did, but I was hoping it’d work out. You didn’t see them when things were good, Adam. They were really happy with each other. I didn’t like the jackass, but he was good for Kris at first.”

“So what changed then?”

“You know that “closed-off Kris” space he gets into sometimes? Wait, I forgot, I’m talking to his bestest friend ever Adam. Anyway, he started going into that space all the time. Kind of around the time you waltzed back into his life.”

“Look, as soon as the matinee’s done, I’ll head over alright? I don’t have another show until Thursday. I’ll get Krissy back to normal in no time. And for the record, I didn’t waltz back into his life. I fucked my way into it.”

“What?”

“Oh, intermission’s over, got to run.”

“Wait, Adam, you bitch, don’t you dare hang up on me!”

 _Click._

~*~

The first thing Adam did after the show finished was head over to Kris and Kezia’s apartment. Kezia’s expression when she opened the door was murderous.

“You will explain yourself now or I’m not letting you talk to him.”

“Explanations can wait, my baby needs me.”

Adam was trying to push her aside but she kept shoving him back.

“Oh no, Lambert. You are not setting one damn glittery appendage in here until you explain.”

“Kezia, grill me for info later. He needs me. You can wait.”

“No. Fuck waiting, Adam! I am so tired of waiting for all of this to make sense! All these years, it’s always been about you with Kris. Every time he’s upset, at the heart of it, it’s about you! This time, I’m getting a straight answer, even if it kills me.”

“What exactly am I explaining?”

“You said you fucked your way back into his life. Explain. Now.”

Adam’s fingers started chipping at his polish. “It’s none of your business.”

“Bullshit. If you fucking messed with Kris and slept with him for kicks, I don’t care how deep into the hole he’s gotten, you are never coming near him again.”

“What? I’d never do something like that to him and I can’t believe you’d even think I would! It’s a long story we don’t have time for at the moment. I thought this was about Kris. That’s why I’m here isn’t it? You haven’t been able to pull him out of his slump.”

“Yes. But I refuse to let you back into his life just so you can walk right out of it.”

“I’d never leave him!”

“You already have!”

Their words echoed in the hallway and Adam became hyper-aware that they were in a _hallway_. Where anyone could hear them. If he and Kezia were going to have a shouting match, it wasn’t going to be in public.

“I know you’re pissed off at me, but this isn’t the time or place. There’s a man in your apartment who’s hurting and who needs me. I’ll tell you all you want later, but right now, let me take care of Kris. Please.”

She sighed then and Adam realized she looked worn and faded, like a brightly colored picture with all its vibrancy leached from it by the sun.

“If you really want to take care of Kris, then fix things. He needs you. All he’s ever needed was you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When it comes to Kris, it’s always been you.” They both ignored the quiver in her voice. “It’s why Aaron didn’t work, why Matt didn’t work. Mark, Jillian, Patrick, Kirsten, Lizzie, Jacob. None of them were you.”

“But we--he and…we lost contact for years. Several times even. We barely talk _now_! Not about anything that matters at least.”

“It doesn’t matter. Even if you weren’t physically with him, you were still there. It’s like you’ve imprinted on him permanently, like somewhere on his soul it says ‘Property of Adam Lambert’. You matter more to him than anyone else he’s ever known.”

She tried to hide it, but he could see the slight resentment in her eyes. He pulled her into a hug.

“I’m sorry Kris doesn’t realize just how lucky he is to have you as his friend.”

“Thank you.”

They separated after a while and for all their theatre experience, neither of them could think of anything to say to alleviate the awkward silence.

“Now can I come in?”

She stepped away from the door and Adam practically ran past her to Kris’ room. Before he opened the door, she said something that made him want to turn back around and run.

“I think he’s loved you his entire life. I don’t know how you feel about him or what you think of the fact that he loves you, or if you even knew before I told you. But I want you to know this: if you leave again that will break his heart, and if you break his heart, I will kill you with my bare hands and enjoy every second of it.”

~*~

“Kris? Krissy? Baby, wake up, it’s Adam.”

Kezia hadn’t been exaggerating. Kris looked like a mess. He was spread eagled on the bed, lying on his stomach. From the doorway, Adam could see the circles under his eyes, and maybe it was just his imagination, but Kris looked thinner.

He walked over to the bed, sitting down next to Kris, running a hand down his back. “Kris, get up.”

“Mm, Kezi go ‘way. Don’t wanna get outta bed.”

“I’m not Kezia, honey.”

Kris shifted underneath his fingers, stretching, slowly coming to awareness. His eyes opened and Kris stared up at Adam with bleary eyes.

“Adam? What are you doing here?”

“Kezia called in the cavalry. It’s three in the afternoon, Kris. What are you still doing in bed?”

“I had a long night.”

“I can see that.”

Kris’s under eye circles reminded him of a raccoon. An adorable raccoon.

“So, I guess she told you that I’m single now.”

“She did. Why didn’t you tell me?”

He was sitting up now, hands twisting the blanket draped around his waist. “I don’t know.”

Adam grabbed Kris’ hands, stilling them. He waited for Kris’ gaze to meet his.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I don’t know, okay? Maybe it’s because I haven’t spoken to you beyond small talk the past few months. Maybe it’s because we keep acting like nothing went wrong and everything’s just peachy between us. Pick one. If you don’t like any of those, I got more.”

“You can yell at me all you want later. Right now, I’m here to pamper you.”

“ Adam, I don’t need any pampering, l’m fine.”

“Your raccoon eyes tell me you aren’t.”

“I’m not a kid, Adam, I can take care of myself.”

“I’m a little reluctant to believe that. Trust me on this okay, baby?” At Kris’ hesitant nod, Adam smirked. “Great. Now, we’re going to get you into a shower because you kind of reek, then I’m going to make you eat a decent meal. After that, we’re going to have a nice, long talk. We have some unresolved issues to discuss, Kristopher.”

There was so much they hadn’t talked about, so much they’d left unsaid. There was just as much they had said, with the intent to hurt as deeply as possible.

Adam half-remembered the night Kris had drunkenly told him he’d wanted him, but he’d stored it somewhere deep in his mind where he couldn’t take it out and replay the movement of Kris’ muscles as he’d stretched, or the feeling of Kris in his arms, tucked up small in his lap like he hadn’t done since they’d first met, but with the added danger of underlying attraction.

That was when Adam had realized just how long it had been since he’d seen Kris. He hadn’t been the only one unable to recognize the other when Kris had opened the door that day.

Admittedly, it was so much easier to ignore the fact that they’d both screwed up spectacularly. It was easier to stick to what they knew was safe, to what wasn’t important. But Adam missed how things had been. He missed being able to tell Kris anything and everything without having to censor himself. He wanted that back. Adam wasn’t sure what to do about Kris possibly - most likely - being in love with him, but one problem at a time right?

He hadn’t anticipated how distracting Kris was when wet. And naked.

Kris resisted step one of his plan, because he’d always had this really odd aversion to showers that mystified Adam, but after a bit of kicking and screaming, he dragged Kris into the bathroom and refused to leave until he took a damn shower. Kris blushed bright red and told Adam to turn around while he undressed, making sure his t-shirt smacked Adam’s head when he started giggling at Kris’ modesty.

“Honey, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before.”

“Well you haven’t seen anything of mine before and we’re going to keep it that way.”

“Whatever, Kristopher. Just make sure you actually use soap because if you don’t, I will come in there to check.”

“You don’t need to check because I’m done. Hand me a towel?”

“Yes, dear.”

Kris’ hand was open for the towel while Adam held it just out of reach. His fingers were barely brushing the fabric, and by now, Kris’ head had made an appearance from behind the shower curtain.

“Adam, quit being a dick and give me the towel.”

“Your arms aren’t that short, Krissy. Work for it.”

He kept reaching out and Adam should have seen it coming = it was like every bad romantic comedy he’d ever seen. He didn’t though, and by the time it occurred to him, Kris was already stumbling and Adam automatically reached out to catch him. Fuck. He had an armful of wet naked Kris. And he liked it. He really liked it.

“Thanks,” Kris said, giving him one of his dazzling smiles. Adam was starting to forget what exactly his plan entailed.

“No problem.” He let go of Kris and stepped back a few feet, brandishing the towel as if it were a weapon. “Go get dressed. I’ll be in the living room.”

Kris nodded, bemused, walking to his room. Adam wished he wasn’t paying attention to the way water droplets were making their way down Kris’ shoulders, into the small of his back and down, down, down over the swell of his…

He shook himself, desperately trying to keep those kind of thoughts at bay. This was serious talk time, not check Kris out and be incredibly confused about it time. Adam collapsed onto the couch and stared at the furniture. He could’ve sworn a green koala used to perch on top of the TV.

“Okay, talk.”

Kris was walking towards him, hair damp and sticking up all over the place, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, per usual. Even though the couch was large enough for Adam to lay flat on his back along its length, Kris sat right next him.

“The plan was shower, eat, _then_ talk. Don’t mess with the order, Kristopher.”

“Hah. Because I always listen to you. You’re here to talk so talk.”

“I’m here to make sure you’re okay. Are you okay?”

“Mostly. It was over way before I said it was. It’s just, he was kind of a big part of my life, you know? It hurts. Even after everything.”

“It always does. But life goes on, Krissy, and you deserve better than him. You can’t do this forever. You’re wearing yourself, and Kezia, down.”

Kris grimaced. “I know. I’ve been a really shitty friend lately. I wish she’d take care of herself and stop worrying about me. I feel like lately it’s all about me. Isn’t it supposed to go both ways?”

“I thought you two did.”

He rolled his eyes, jostling Adam with his shoulder. “You know what I mean. I feel like she’s become my caretaker instead of my friend and I don’t want that to happen.”

“Speaking of Kezia, she told me something very interesting before I came in here.”

“I’m suddenly terrified. Should I be?”

“Maybe.” Adam definitely was. “But we’ll talk about that later. Right now, I want to know what the deal was between you and Aaron.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me. I didn’t ask for an explanation that night because there were more important things going on, namely that I found you again,” he gave Kris a tender smile, “but I think now is a good time to tell me what that was all about. I’d seen him leave with other people before, so when he came up to me that night and told me he had a boyfriend…”

“Why are you acting like you care?”

“I do.” He caught Kris’ hand in his own. “I always have.”

Kris tugged his hand out of Adam’s hold. “Then why did you leave?”

Adam started chipping at his nails again. “Lots of reasons. Stop messing with the plan. We’re not talking about us yet. I want to know what went wrong with Aaron. You don’t break up with a guy after almost two years for no reason.”

“I had lots of reasons,” he said, mimicking Adam’s words. Kris ran a hand through his hair, sighing loudly. “Look, he and I just weren’t happy together anymore, okay? I wasn’t enough for him and he wasn’t…”

Kris stopped the words that wanted to escape.

“He wasn’t what?”

Adam was watching him intently, as if the answer was written in Kris’ eyes.

“Nothing. Forget it. He wasn’t who I thought he was, that’s all.”

“Bullshit. You’ve always been a terrible liar. There’s more to it than that.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Leave it alone, Adam.”

Kris tried to stand up but Adam pulled him back down. “You need to talk about this. You might not want to, but you need to. I’m done walking on eggshells around you. We may be on speaking terms again, but this isn’t us. This isn’t how we’re supposed to be. Either we fix us or we let go, because I can’t handle this, Kris.”

“What is there to handle? We barely know each other anymore.”

This time when Kris tried to stand, Adam let him, watching as Kris paced back and forth.

“I’ve known you practically my entire life. You were the first friend I made after we moved. You made me feel safe, like as long as you were with me, everything would be okay. And you left me. You left me and I didn’t know what to do. But then you came back and I should’ve been happy but you were so _different_ ; it was like looking at a stranger.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kris stopped pacing, turning to meet Adam’s eyes. He stood up from the couch and grabbed Kris in a tight hug, leaning down to whisper in his ear.

“I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry I let us fall apart. I’m sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you.”

He moved away, keeping Kris at arms’ length but tilting his face up so that they kept eye contact. “But I’m still me. I’m still that chubby, awkward redhead on the inside, even if I don’t look it anymore. I’m still your friend. I still love you and I always have, Krissy. Even when we weren’t talking, even when I tried to hate you. I’ll always love you. I’ll always be here for you.”

Adam pulled him close again, just held Kris in his arms and breathed him in. No matter how hard Kris tried to deny it, Adam’s hugs were still the best he’d ever gotten. He felt safe, peaceful. Loved.  
,  
“He wasn’t you.”

Adam wasn’t sure he’d heard that right until Kris repeated it.

“He wasn’t you.”

The words slipped past his lips, a river of words, a flow he couldn’t stem or control.

“He wasn’t you. None of them were you but you were all I wanted and I kept trying to find someone who could be, but they never were. I tried with Aaron, I really tried, but I couldn’t love him. I couldn’t love him because I loved you and I kept trying to forget that because it hurts to remember I love you.”

Adam felt Kris’ tears seeping into his shirt, wetting his shoulder. His body was wracked with contained sobs and Adam’s hands made soothing circles into his back.

“Shh, baby, it’s alright, I know. Don’t hold it in. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay.”

Adam slowly walked them back to the couch, maneuvering them until Kris was seated in his lap, face still buried in his shoulder. He stroked Kris’ hair, waited until the tears subsided. When Kris’ head finally lifted from its place on Adam’s shoulder, his eyes were red and puffy, tear tracks on his cheeks. He looked so scared.

“Don’t look so frightened, honey. I’m not going to hurt you, okay? Trust me.”

Kris didn’t say anything, just kept looking at him, squirming a bit in his lap. Adam’s hands gripped his waist, holding him still.

“Stop wriggling.” Kris froze, watching him with wary eyes.

“Kezia says you’ve loved me your entire life. Don’t freak out on me.” His hold on Kris’ waist got stronger. “I’ve done enough walking away for the both of us. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There’s nothing to tell. I’m in love with someone I can’t have.”

His voice was hoarse and quiet and Kris kept his gaze on everything but Adam while he spoke.

“How do you know that?”

Kris’ eyes darted to his, mouth gaping open a bit in shock. “What are you saying?”

“That you’re wrong.” He hushed Kris’ protests with a quick peck to his forehead. “I’m not saying I’m _in_ love with you, no, let me finish. I do love you, I always have. You mean the world to me, Krissy. But I’m not in love with you. And maybe you aren’t in love with me. You’ve wanted me for years and you never thought it’d be a reality. I was the one that got away.”

“You’re telling me I don’t know what I feel.”

Adam’s grip on Kris loosened enough for him to move off Adam’s lap and onto the couch, this time further away instead of right next to him.

“No. I’m just giving you another option.”

“You’re telling me that this is just some misplaced fantasy that doesn’t actually mean anything. Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

“Kris-”

“That way, when you reject me, you won’t feel too bad, because oh, Kris wasn’t in love, he was just holding onto a teenage obsession way too long.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Really? Because that’s what it sounds like. If you don’t feel the same, fine. I can live with that.” Kris was lying through his teeth and they both knew it. “Don’t give me a bunch of excuses so you can feel better about yourself. I’m not a little kid anymore, I can take the truth.”

“No. You’re definitely all grown up.”

Kris shivered at the low, sultry tone that had crept into Adam’s voice.

“Then give me a straight answer. You either want me or you don’t, and the last time I checked, you didn’t.”

“Last time you checked you weren’t even legal.”

“I was nineteen.”

“You didn’t check that time, I just took.”

His blush was working its way down his neck. “It still counts. Stop shying away from the actual point of all of this. Do you or don’t you?”

Adam smiled at him in answer, pulling him close. He kissed Kris, slowly, softly, until all he could focus on was the feeling of Adam’s lips on his. It was chaste, tender, that same feeling of weightless, indescribable happiness he’d always associated with Adam.

Dimly, Kris became aware of Adam gently pushing him away. If anyone had asked Kris how much time had passed, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them. He opened his eyes, face burning, but when he tried to move away, Adam pulled him closer.

“I do.”

“What?”

Adam laughed, eyes sparkling. Always eloquent, his Kris. “I do want you.” His expression suddenly became serious. “But not at the expense of our friendship. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“Why?”

Kris looked so forlorn, bottom lip sticking out, looking at him like a wounded puppy. Adam - against his better judgment - gave him a quick kiss.

“Not because I didn’t want to. I did.” The blinding smile he got in response made his stomach flutter in a way it shouldn’t have. “But there’s so much more than a romantic relationship at stake with us. I missed having someone I could talk to about anything and not be concerned about what they’d think because you’ve always accepted me as I am, no filters, no masks. I missed you. I’m not fucking us up, not again.”

Kris stared at him for a while, the silence driving Adam slowly insane. Finally, Kris took hold of his hand and looked at him with a determined glint in his eye. “Do you have that little faith in us?”

“We don’t exactly have the best track record.”

“That was then. We were having a bit of a disconnect before.”

“A bit?”

“Understatement, I know. But we’ve said all we can on the subject. You want me, I love you, we should go out.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Why are you so sure you will?”

His gaze was so warm and gentle. Adam’s eyes traced over those simultaneously familiar and unfamiliar features, picking out what he used to know and what had changed.

“Because that’s all I’ve done the past few years.”

This time, it was Kris who initiated the kiss. When they separated, they were both breathless.

“I know you don’t want to lose our friendship. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if you and I could have been forever.”

“Kris…”

“Give us a chance. If you don’t feel the same, well, at least I’ll know.”

Adam looked at their touching hands, at Kris’ earnest expression.

“…we take this slow. One day at a time.”

Kris gave him a crooked smile. “One day at a time.”

~*~

“So…”

“So.”

“This is our fifth date.”

“Yep.”

“Did you have a good time?”

“Of course I did. I was with you, wasn’t I?”

Adam probably looked ridiculous with a wide grin on his face but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He and Kris were definitely taking things slow, but he couldn’t deny that being with Kris made him happier than he’d been in a while.

“I’m glad.”

Except Kris looked at him expectantly after he said that. Adam hadn’t kissed Kris since the day they’d agreed to give it a try, and every time Kris attempted to, he made a quick exit. But the temptation was getting stronger.

“Right, well. I’ll see you in a few days, baby. Give me a call.”

He gave Kris a quick peck on the cheek, walking towards the elevator hurriedly. He was only a few steps away when he felt Kris’ hand clamp down on his wrist, turning him around. The next thing he knew he had his hands on Kris’ ass and a tongue aggressively licking into his mouth.

Kris gave him a few seconds to breathe. “Stop being a gentleman when I know you don’t want to.”

“What makes you say that?”

“This.” Kris really had to stop with the crotch grabbing, but it’d been six years since the first time, so Adam let it slide.

“Taking things slow. Remember that part, Kris?”

“Fuck taking things slow, it’s been seven years since I first started thinking about you in an ungodly way.”

Adam laughed into Kris’ neck. “You did not just say that.”

“I did. Now shut up and kiss me.”

Adam listened.

~*~

Adam was falling in love. Maybe. Possibly. He wasn’t really sure. It was nothing like the intense, crazy, life-shattering supernova being in love with Brad had been. It was different. Being with Brad had burnt him out, burnt both of them out, but being with Kris was like a low, slow flame constantly burning under his skin.

They’d been - kind of, sort of, not really - dating for six months and if it was anyone else, he wouldn’t even be thinking about love. But it wasn’t anyone else, it was Kris. Kris, who looked at him with his heart in his eyes, love and adoration pouring off him in waves. Kris, who never asked Adam how he felt about all of this, just soaked up every moment they had together as if he thought it was going to vanish in an instant.

And it could.

If Adam thought too much about things, he’d get scared, if he got scared he’d leave and he didn’t want to leave Kris ever again.

~*~

“Can’t I just drive down there with you?”

“You could. But then you’d miss class, so no go, honey, you’re staying here. It’ll only be a few days. I’ll see you next week.”

“That’s too long.”

He kissed the pout off Kris’ lips.

“You’re too precious for words. You’ll be fine without me for a bit. I’ll miss you just as much.”

“Not possible.”

“That’s what you think.”

They were making out in front of Kris’ apartment building, right by Adam’s car, and they only stopped because they heard Kezia shouting from somewhere behind them to get a room.

Adam sighed. “Before I go, we need to have serious discussion time.”

“What for?”

“Telling your family.”

“Telling them what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Krissy, you know what I mean.”

Kris looked at the ground, toying with his shirt’s hem. Adam grabbed hold of both his hands.

“You don’t need to tell them about me, not right away, but you do need to tell them you’re not exactly interested in girls.”

“But, Adam-”

“But nothing, baby. They deserve to know. Just think about it. Now is as good a time as any.”

Kris started pouting again, and when Kris did things like that, it made Adam want to forget that whole taking it slow thing they’d enforced and just-

“I’ll miss you.”

Kris had thrown himself at Adam, knocking him back into his car. He was nuzzling at Adam’s neck, nipping at the skin there. They stood there for a few minutes, trying to memorize the scent and feel of the other.

“Me too, baby.”

Adam watched Kris in his rearview mirror as he drove away, barely catching the kiss Kris blew at him as he turned the corner.


	3. Chapter 3

**When Kris was twenty-three, he made a phone call.**

“Hello?”

Kris was nervous.

"Hi Mama."

Very nervous.

"Kristopher? Can you not make it anymore? Did something go wrong? Are you hurt?"

He could see her in the kitchen, the walls a light, bright yellow that’d always made him smile as a kid. She was probably wrapping the phone cord around her fingers, worry twisting her mouth in a grimace.

"No, no, not at all. It's just...I have something I need to tell you."

“It couldn’t wait until you got here? We all can’t wait to see you honey.”

Would she feel the same after he told her?

“I know Mama, I can’t wait to see you too. It’s just, I need to tell you this now. If you don’t want to see me after I tell you, I’ll understand.”

Moment of truth. Did he tell her? Could he tell her?

“What? Kristopher you’re worrying me. Stop beating around the bush and tell me.”

He thought of Adam smiling softly at him, of the sparkle in his eyes when they were together. He thought about how it felt to hold Adam’s hand while they were walking down the street, just another happy couple. He thought about not being able to share that happiness with his family, of having to hide from them.

“I’m gay.”

Kris hung up the phone before his mother said another word.

~*~

He stopped at some gas station about an hour away from his house to call Adam. His fingers shook as he dialed. As soon as he heard Adam’s voice, Kris babbled incoherently about what he’d told his mother. It took about five minutes for Adam to understand what exactly he was talking about, but once he did, he sighed loudly, one that sounded like a cross between annoyed and proud.

“Kris, when I said you should tell your parents, I didn’t mean over the phone.”

“I know, I know. But if I went home and then she looked at me like…this way I didn’t have to see her face.”

The plaintive note in Kris’ voice made Adam wish he could take him into his arms and tell him everything would be alright.

“You know they wouldn’t hate you. They still treat me the same.”

“Accepting a family friend is one thing. Accepting your own son is different.”

“Your parents are good people. And their oldest son isn’t too bad either. They may need time to get used to it, but they won’t reject you. Either way, you’ll still have me.”

“Thank you.”

Kris’ voice had hit that low, intimate tone that made Adam melt.

“How much longer until you get here?”

“I’m about an hour away. I expect a hello kiss when I get there.”

Adam caught sight of Danielle through the living room window walking towards the front door and bit back the urge to tell Kris exactly what he wanted to do with him once he arrived.

“I have to go, Dani’s here.”

He opened the door before she knocked and ignored her shocked face, sitting back down on the couch.

“Tell her I said hi.”

Danielle plopped down next to him and looked at him curiously, mouthing ‘who?’ while she gestured at his phone. He waved her off, putting a finger to his lips.

“I will. See you soon baby.” Adam hung up, small smile on his face.

“Baby? Adam, do you have a new boy toy?”

“Maybe.”

He wasn’t sure if he should tell her. Old friend or not, he thought Kris springing a boyfriend on their families as well as coming out to them might be a bit much. It’d definitely make the holidays more interesting though.

“Don’t even try to evade the question Lambert. I know that look.”

“What look?”

“The look of Adam in love. You have a new boyfriend. Spill!”

“I’m not in love Dani. We haven’t been dating that long.”

She gave him a look, “How long is not that long?”

“…six months.”

“Adam, you’ve only had one serious relationship, which lasted two years, and that ended about a year ago. Before that, you only kept a guy around for two months at the most. Six months is long for you.”

“It’s more like in the middle isn’t it? If two years is the most and three hours is the least-”

“We are not getting into a detailed discussion of your dreadful dating habits.”

“Good.”

Adam smirked.

“We’re getting into a detailed discussion of your new boyfriend.”

Adam stopped smirking.

“No we aren’t. It’s my business who I date, not yours.”

Danielle rolled her eyes at him, “It’s always my business sweetie. Who do you come to every single time for dating advice?”

“You,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“You, you whore. But I got this one just fine without your help, so hah!”

He stuck his tongue out at her and yelped at the sudden weight on top of him as she pummeled him with a nearby throw pillow.

“Tell me you little bitch, or this pillow’s going down your throat!”

“Never!”

“Tell me!”

“Dani, I swear if you don’t get off me right now I’m going to-”

“Am I interrupting something?”

They both looked up to see Adam’s dad staring at them with a mixture of amusement and exasperation. Adam had his tongue sticking out in an attempt to lick Danielle’s face while she had an elbow digging into his chest. Their legs were tangled together because she’d been trying to knee him, which wasn’t fair at all. He shoved her unceremoniously onto the floor and stood up, helping Danielle back onto her feet.

“Hi Dad.”

“Hi Eber.”

“I see you two are up to no good.”

“It’s all Adam’s fault. He wouldn’t tell me about his new boyfriend.”

“New boyfriend? Does your mother know about this?”

“Know what?”

Adam’s head jerked to the top of the stairs where his mom had appeared. Did they coordinate this or something? He turned to Dani and noticed the devious gleam in her eye.

“Dani, if you love me at all, you won’t say another word.”

She grinned evilly, “Should I sing it then? Adam and his boyfriend sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G-”

“Boyfriend? Adam, when did you start dating again? Does Brad know? Are you sure about this honey?”

By her last question, Leila was at the bottom of the stairs, standing right in front of Adam. He glared at Dani over the top of his mom’s head, mouthed ‘you suck’ at her, got ‘not as well as you’ back.

“Nice to see you too Mom. My trip was fine, thanks for asking. How was yours?”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie.” She pulled him into a tight hug and kissed both his cheeks before letting go. “My flight was just fine. Now, about this boyfriend of yours-”

Adam whined, “Mom.” At her no nonsense look, he sighed, “Yes, nine months ago, Brad wants to get into his pants, and yes. That all you want to know?” He turned to face his dad and Danielle. “That applies to you two vultures as well.”

“Sorry Adam, but this is what you get for not calling more often.”

“Very funny Dad. Look you guys, it’s not a big deal okay? We’ve only been dating for six months, it’s not serious or anything.”

Which was a complete lie at this point, but they didn’t need to know that tidbit. With Kris, it couldn’t be anything but serious.

“Six months? Sweetie, before Brad, your longest relationship was two months.”

Danielle giggled, “Even your parents know you can’t hold down a man.”

“You are so unhelpful, it isn’t even funny.”

“Bitchiness doesn’t become you Adam.”

“Nothing ever becomes you.”

“Skank.”

“Whore.”

“Slut.”

“Bitch.”

“Bottom.”

“Quit playing dirty!”

“Okay, we’re done interrogating Adam.” Eber said, hoping to cut them off before they started trying to kill each other. Again. “Let’s give the mama’s boy some time to have a heart to heart with his mommy. Good luck with the boyfriend son. Bring him around sometime if it gets ‘serious’.”

Eber ruffled Adam’s hair, grinning, then guided Dani into the kitchen, leaving mother and son alone. Leila pulled him to the couch, sitting him down, but remained standing herself, arms crossed, face grim.

“You haven’t called me in months Adam.”

“I know.”

“Almost six months to be exact. Why is that?”

“No particular reason.”

“Don’t lie to your mother Adam Mitchel. You stopped calling because you got preoccupied with your boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry Mom, please don’t be mad at me?”

He gave her the puppy dog eyes. It never failed to make her forgive him for whatever wrong he’d done.

She smiled at him, “I can’t stay mad at my baby.” Leila sat down next to him, “Just don’t do it again. Family before boy toys honey.”

“Yes Mom.”

Somehow he had the feeling that if she knew his “boy toy” was Kris, she’d have a different thought on the subject.

“So what’s he like?”

“Amazing.” He suddenly looked shy, “I don’t think I deserve him.”

“Of course you do baby. Just tell him he better keep treating you so well, or he’ll have to answer to me. Now, what else have I missed these past few months?”

They talked for an hour or two afterwards, about the new purple paint in her apartment that Leila wasn’t sure she liked, about the crazy director Adam was forced to work with, about Kris. That was the hardest subject to talk about. He told her bits and pieces of how he and Kris had gotten together, but he had to constantly bite back Kris’ name.

Eventually, they had to stop because dinner was ready and they had other things to do. Adam’s phone rang while they were starting in on dessert. He took one look at the display and excused himself from the table, barely contained glee on his face. Leila recognized that look.

Her son was in love.

~*~

Kris parked three houses away from his parents’, just in case his mom had an eye out for him. It’d been three hours since he’d called her, two since Adam had talked him down and ten minutes since he’d parked the car.

He’d thought a long drive around the neighborhood, and maybe a few unnecessary stops at every rest stop along the highway, would calm him. No such luck. Kris tried to fight the rising panic, but it kept building. He pulled his phone out, dialed and waited anxiously for it to stop ringing.

“How are you holding up baby?”

Kris felt the panic recede, soothed by the sound of Adam’s voice.

“Not so good.”

“Why? What’s wrong? Did your parents not take it well?”

He let out a bitter laugh, “Adam, I haven’t even seen them yet. I’ve been sitting in the car the past ten minutes trying to get my nerve up.”

“And Mama Allen didn’t immediately pounce on you when she saw you pull into the driveway?”

“Well…”

“You parked further down the block didn’t you?”

“Maybe?”

“Baby, you’re only delaying the inevitable. Sooner or later, your parents are going to realize their son’s car is on their block but he’s not in their house.” He softened his voice. “Just go.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

Kris sounded so frightened, so unsure.

Adam sighed, “Oh sweetie. I have faith in you. You can do this, trust me.”

“Always.”

His voice was in that place again, the one that made Adam think about words like "love" and "forever."

“Just…answer something for me before you go in there.”

“What?”

“You didn’t do this for me did you? Because when I said you should tell them, I meant when you felt ready, not just because I said so.”

“Adam, I’m supposed to be having the breakdown here, not you. You didn’t force me to do anything. It was my decision to tell them. I didn’t know if I could at first, but I thought about it. I’d have to hide a part of myself from them. I don’t want to be that guy; I don’t want to act like I’m ashamed of who I am, because I’m not. I’m not ashamed of who I fall in love with. Of you.”

“Kris…”

An exhale, barely audible but loud in the sudden silence.

“I didn’t mean to say that.”

Kris was unsure again and Adam hated being the reason he sounded like that.

“Shh. Don’t worry about it. We’ll talk later. Your parents are probably going crazy wondering where you are. Go see them.”

“Okay.” He didn’t say anything for a while, then tentatively, “Adam?”

“Yeah babe?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too. Call me after?”

“I will.”

“Love you,” Kris murmured to the air, staring at the blinking screen that signaled an ended call.

Someday, he was going to tell Adam. For now, he had a family to face. He got out of the car, squared his shoulders and started walking towards the house.

~*~

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Adam was so far beyond calm it wasn’t even funny. He knew he’d have to deal with this eventually, but he thought eventually would happen later down the road.

He’d had reservations about being with Kris in the beginning, but the past few months…they’d been, well, amazing.

He was definitely attracted to Kris. How could he not be? Kris was a walking wet dream. There were a lot of people who had the same idea, but he only had eyes for Adam.

Adam and Brad were naturally charismatic, attracting attention like moths to a flame, and they’d both reveled in it. They had loved each other, but they hadn’t exactly discouraged other men that flirted with them. At least, not until they went too far.

That sort of thing never seemed to cross Kris’ mind. It was as if all those other people didn’t even matter. It gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling to have that sort of devotion directed at him. And if he liked seeing the disappointment in people’s faces when he slid a hand into Kris’ back pocket, well, that was his little secret.

He didn’t doubt that he cared about Kris. Even with all the changes in their relationship, how much Kris meant to him was a constant. Being in love with Kris was another matter entirely. Love was a big deal. Love could make or break a relationship, especially if one of the people involved didn’t feel the same.

Kris seemed content to let Adam come to an opinion on his own time. He looked like he could live off of whatever Adam decided to give him, even if he didn’t get the same intensity in return.

Kris deserved better than that.

He deserved someone who loved him wholeheartedly and Adam didn’t know if he could be that someone. But he wanted to be. He had a feeling if he couldn’t, he’d lose Kris for good, and life without him was something Adam had never been able to picture.

~*~

Finally, Kris was standing on his parents’ front step. He rang the doorbell and waited, throwing anxious glances at the door. He breathed out a sigh of relief that it was Daniel who answered the door and not one of his parents.

“Thank God it’s you.”

He didn’t say anything, just glared and pulled Kris inside. As he was dragged up the stairs, Kris’ eyes darted to the kitchen where his parents’ voices were coming from, unable to make out anything but his name. The knot in his stomach tightened.

They were walking towards their old play room, but it’d evolved into more of a study/music room/disaster area over the years. Daniel opened the door, pointed a finger at the old leather couch and shut the door.

“Is there any particular reason for the silent treatment?”

“What’d you say to Mom?”

“Never mind, I like the silent treatment better.”

Daniel crossed his arms, frowning, “I want to know what’s going on. They’ve both been going nuts since you called.”

“Maybe you should ask them.”

“They won’t tell me anything. They said to ask you.”

“Can we not talk about this now? I was hoping all the interrogations would come at once.”

“You sure that’s such a good idea little big brother?”

“That wasn’t funny when we were in middle school, it isn’t funny now.”

“It was incredibly funny when we were in middle school. Don’t be bitter just because I’m taller than you. And don’t change the subject either. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Dan, it’s…it’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

Daniel was giving him the stubborn face and that face meant he wouldn’t let go until it went the way he wanted it to. Kris decided to be blunt.

“I like guys.”

Daniel collapsed onto the couch. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They sat there in awkward silence. Kris started praying for his phone to ring, for his parents to come into the room, something, anything to break the tension. After a few long, agonizing minutes, Daniel sighed loudly next to him and turned to face Kris.

“How long?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“It’s not like I woke up one day and wrote it down in a journal. July 10th, 2002: realized guys make me hard.”

“I did not need to know that. Wait, 2002? When you were like seventeen?”

“It’s a random date.”

“A specific random date.”

“…that makes no sense.”

“You’re evading me again. You weren’t this good before. Not that you’re much better now, but you’ve improved. Who’s been teaching you?”

“No one.”

“Right.”

“Look, that’s why Mama’s freaking out okay? I told her before I left LA.”

“On the phone?”

Kris laughed to himself, “That’s what- …someone else said.”

“Someone else?”

Keeping his relationship with Adam under wraps was looking harder by the second.

“Kezia.”

“Bullshit Kris. If it was Kezia you would’ve just said so. Is there someone special in my little big brother’s life?” he asked, complete with cheesy grin and waggling eyebrows.

“Stop being a jerk Dan,” Kris shoved off the arm he’d slung around his shoulders. “You’re taking this pretty well.”

Daniel shrugged, “It’s not that weird for me to see. Male cheerleader remember? And even if it did weird me out, you’re my brother. It’d take some time, but I think I’d get over it.”

Kris wasn’t a crier, which was a feat in his family, but he felt the tears well up at his brother’s easy acceptance. “Thanks.”

“You’re not crying are you?”

“No,” Kris said, trying to wipe his eyes discreetly.

“You are. And you changed the subject again, quit doing that! Tell me who this someone else is.”

Kris sighed, rolling his eyes, “No one okay? Just leave it alone.”

“You’re no fun Kristopher. It’s probably your boyfriend or something. Come on Kris, you know you want to gush on and on about him.”

“I can’t gush about someone who doesn’t exist.”

“That blush on your face tells me he does. What’s he like? Do you luuurve him? How long have you been together? Is the sex good?”

“Dan!”

He smirked, “Sorry, but you brought this upon yourself by refusing to answer me.”

Kris put his head in his hands and groaned, “I think I’d prefer a parental interrogation to this.”

“Liar. You know you’d rather field my questions than face the mess downstairs.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to answer you. You’re slightly more tempting than talking to them.”

“Whatever little big brother. I’m feeding you to the sharks if you don’t tell me about your mystery man.”

“That’s low.”

“Get over it. I can see the glee on your face. You _want_ to talk about this guy.”

“Well…”

Kris let the sentence trail off, trying to find the right words to say. Trying to figure out what he _could_ say.

“I love him.”

Daniel didn’t say anything, just watched Kris as he talked. It was as if he wasn’t even hearing the words. He didn’t need to hear them. He could see the truth behind them in the way Kris talked, in the intensity and passion in his eyes he’d only seen before when Kris had a guitar in his hands.

“I believe you.”

Kris stopped talking in the middle of a word. “What?”

Daniel shrugged, “I believe that you’re in love with this guy, whoever he is. You don’t need to tell me specifics if you don’t want to right now. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Kris gathered him in a tight hug, “Thank you.”

“No problem little big brother.” Daniel stood up, tugging on Kris’ arm, “Now, you have two parents to face.”

“But Dan,” he whined.

“Shut up, you’re lucky I let you stall this long.” He pulled him over to the door, halting before he opened it. “But before I send you out there to die in a blaze of glory, you should know that I’ll still have your back, no matter what they say.” Then he opened the door and shoved Kris out of the room, yelling, “Mom! Dad! Kris is here!”

Kris tried the doorknob, but it was locked. “Traitor,” he grumbled under his breath.

“Kristopher, can you come down here?”

He was so screwed.

He walked down the stairs as slowly as possibly. Kris lurked in the hallway for a few seconds to send Adam a quick text.

 _**HELP ME!!!!!!!!** _

He got a heart and a kissing emoticon in reply. Kris chuckled to himself and walked into the kitchen. The smile fell off his face at the grave looks on his parents’ faces.

“You wanted to see me Mama?”

“Sit down Kristopher. Your father and I want to talk to you.”

With shaky legs, he settled into the chair across from them. Kris had been a good kid, but the few occasions he’d gotten into trouble, his parents had torn into him with no mercy. Then again, one of those occasions had involved Kris, his dad’s car and an ill-fated joyride.

This was different though. This wasn’t some childish mistake he’d made out of stupidity, this was who he was. If his parents didn’t like it, he couldn’t apologize and promise never to do it again.

“I don’t know what to say son.”

“There’s nothing to say Neil. Our son’s gay and he couldn’t bring himself to tell us to our faces.”

“Mama-”

“Don’t you ‘Mama’ me Kristopher Neil. That’s not something you can say over the phone. Do you know how that made me feel? I didn’t know if I wanted to hug you for being afraid to tell me at all or throttle you for being too scared to tell me in person.”

“You don’t hate me?” Kris’ voice sounded so small.

Kim reached across and took Kris’ hand. “Sweetie, your daddy and I could never hate you.” She let his hand fall back onto the table. “But we can be upset for you hiding this from us. How long have you known?”

“A while.” Kris bit his lip, toying with one of Adam’s rings that he’d kidnapped. “Back in high school even.”

“High school?!”

“Shh. Let him speak Kim.”

“I wasn’t really sure until a few years go.”

“Are you sure now? It might just be a phase.”

“It’s definitely not a phase. I’m sure about this Dad.” He traced over the ring’s design absent-mindedly. “This is real.”

Kim knew that look. It was the one that meant his mostly dormant aggressive streak was in effect. He believed what he was saying and no one was going to convince him otherwise. The few times she’d seen that look, Kris’ instincts had proven him right, so why would now be any different? She and her husband shared a meaningful glance before facing Kris.

“We support you and love you no matter what son.”

“It’s going to be tough honey. Not everyone’s going to look at you and still see Kris. I don’t want you to deal with that kind of hate.”

“Mama, it’ll be fine. We know it’s tough, but we’ll pull through.”

“I hope so baby. Leila’s told me some of the things Adam’s faced and I don’t want you to see how ugly some people get. I don’t want my baby to be hurt.”

“I love you Mama.”

“I know Kristopher, I know.”

They both stood up to hug and Neil wiped a tear from his eye. His family was going to be just fine. But he couldn’t forget the “we” Kris used when he was talking about being fine. He had a feeling Kris wasn’t referring to his family. He was going to go talk to Daniel. The boy knew things. Before he left, he took one last look at his wife and son, still locked in a tight embrace.

Everything was going to be okay.

~*~

It was almost midnight when Kris called Adam back. Kris didn’t let him get a word in edgewise until he was done recounting the talk he’d had with his parents. Adam could practically taste the relief in Kris’ voice.

“I didn’t think it’d be this easy.”

“Well it was, so why question it? I told you it would be alright baby. You worry too much.”

“Easy for you to say. No one in your family was exactly in shock. You’re like every gay stereotype known to man topped with a big sparkly bow.”

“I take offense to that. I’m the top in this relationship sweetie.”

“Adam!”

“Sorry, but you’re like every gay stereotype known to man, complete with a twinkling bow.”

“You know I didn’t mean that, right? I was just kidding. You know I think you’re amazing.”

“And mind-blowing and captivating and sex on legs and the greatest thing to exist in the history of ever and-”

“You can stop now. It’s not my fault there aren’t enough adjectives to describe you. You defy description, Lambert.”

“I only need one word to describe you.”

“And what’s what?”

“Perfect.”

“You big softie.”

“Says the marshmallow who cries during the end of _Titanic_ every time he watches it.”

“It’s a tragic ending! Who cried during _The Notebook_ hmm? That wasn’t me.”

“It’s a good movie okay? Don’t attack my movie choices when you have questionable taste in clothing.”

“Leave my plaid shirts alone, they haven’t done anything to you.”

“Well, I like them better now that you’ve lost a button or five. I love your newly tight jeans more though.”

“Pervert.”

“You didn’t say that when I helped you try them on in the dressing room.”

“We were in a public place. I couldn’t exactly ask them to kick you out while your hands were on my ass.”

“It’s a lovely ass. I couldn’t resist.”

“You know, your parents could hear you. Or Neil. I’m sure he’d love to take the piss out of you for this.”

“Please baby, they know about you. And Neil hasn’t descended on the house yet.”

“They do?”

“Well they know about you but they don’t know about _you_.”

“What?”

“They know I have a boyfriend but they don’t know it’s you. Better, short stuff?”

“Haha, how original, a short joke. I’m hanging up on you you jerk.”

“Aww, I was kidding Krissy. You know I love how pockety you are. Perfect size for cuddling.”

“Fine, I forgive you.”

“You’re so easy.”

“Only for you. It’s getting late and I’ve had a long day. I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?”

“Night baby. Dream of me.”

~*~

The next few days, Kris’ best friend was his phone. His parents were starting to give him looks while Daniel smirked and kept dropping hints like the little shit he was. It was hard being away from Adam when he was only five minutes away _and_ refusing to see Kris.

“Tell me why we can’t see each other before the party.”

Kris knew he sounded like a child who wasn’t getting his way, but he didn’t really care.

“Because everyone in this house is watching me for a hint of who my mystery man is.“

“You can leave the house, you know.”

The silence on the other end told him that that hadn’t occurred to Adam.

“Baby, you’re brilliant! The first thing I’m going to do when I see you is ravish you.”

“Ravish? I’m not a romance novel heroine, Adam.”

“You’re prettier than most of them.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted.”

“It’s a compliment, babe, take it.”

“I’ll take it, alright.”

“Teasing me when I can’t touch you isn’t nice, Kristopher.”

“The sooner you hang up and get in your car, the sooner you can touch me.”

“…be out front in five minutes.”

Five minutes later, Adam was waiting in his car in front of the Allen house. True to his word, the second Kris got into the car, Adam hauled him onto his lap and kissed him senseless. By the time they separated, Kris was flushed and panting, mouth red and wet. He looked positively edible.

“Hello to you, too.”

Adam chuckled, leaning in for a quick kiss. “I did warn you. Not my fault you were unprepared.”

Kris rolled his hips against Adam’s. “ _You_ definitely are.”

He groaned, gripping Kris’ hips tighter. “Tease.”

“You like it,” Kris mumbled before he started sucking on Adam’s neck.

“Only when you come through,” he rasped out, only vaguely aware of what he was saying because Kris was using teeth and when Kris used teeth, he left marks. He pushed Kris away from his neck, laughing at the unhappy whimper he let out.

“I missed your mouth.” His hands traced Kris’ jaw line, “I missed _you_. But we’re kind of in front of your parents’ house, and this doesn’t exactly look platonic.”

Kris deadpanned, “I crawl into guys’ laps all the time, I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Adam chuckled, urging him gently off his lap. “We have time for that later.”

Kris gave him a long languid kiss before he settled back into his seat. “Where are we going?”

“I was thinking we could head downtown. Walk around, do mushy couple things. Sound good?”

The smile on Kris’ face was all the answer Adam needed.

~*~

Kris hated malls. They just weren’t his thing, what with the people and the sounds and the shopping. Especially the shopping. He’d made the mistake of going to the mall with Adam once and he’d avoided all mall excursions since then. But Kris decided that going to the mall with Adam wasn’t that bad when there was no shopping involved.

They had walked aimlessly around the mall for an hour or two (and maybe stopped in a deserted corner of the mall to make out like two teenagers) when Adam finally noticed Kris was wearing one of his rings. He brought Kris’ hand to his face, fingers tracing over the design: a mess of swirls that spelt Adam’s initials if one knew where to look for them.

“Why are you wearing one of my rings?” There was nothing accusatory in his tone, only curiosity and a hint of something softer.

Kris blushed, trying in vain to release his hand from Adam’s hold, “I wanted a piece of you with me. For luck.”

Adam brought Kris’ hand to his lips, kissing the back of it gently, “You’re too cute to be real.” He gave Kris a slow, sensual kiss that made him melt into Adam’s arms. “I missed you so much.”

Kris was dazed and dreamy-eyed, “Mmm, me too, sweetie.”

Adam laughed, “Now I know you’re out of it. You’re pulling out the pet names.”

“Shut up and hold me.”

He wound his arms around Adam’s waist and buried his head in Adam’s chest, sighing happily.

“Kris Allen, is that you?”

Kris’ head jerked up, almost knocking into Adam’s chin. He looked towards the voice. Its source was a tall brunet man with green eyes that were oddly familiar.

“Do I know you?”

“It’s me, Jacob Kramer. We went to high school together.”

Adam let go of Kris, moving a respectable distance away. A myriad of expressions crossed Kris’ face before settling on joy.

“Jacob!”

Kris grabbed him in a typical Kris hug: no sense of personal space, no restraint involved, just pure unfiltered warmth. The boundless love and affection Kris had for practically everyone was one of the things Adam loved about him. Watching him hug this guy, he wasn’t loving it so much.

Adam cleared his throat and Kris stepped back, unaware of the way Jacob’s hands lingered on him.

“How have you been? It’s been a while.”

“That’s an understatement. Now that you’re here, I’m doing great. Where’d you head off to after we graduated?”

“I went up to LA. Kezia and I have been living there the past few years. It’s so good to see you.”

Another hug. Adam kept his gaze trained on Jacob’s hands. If they moved any lower, he was going to be touching Kris in an Adam-only zone.

“It really is.” Jacob’s eyes met Adam’s over Kris’ head. “I’m sorry, I’m Jacob. And you are?”

He held out a hand for Adam to shake. Adam shook it, taking some comfort in the wince Jacob made at the tight grip Adam had on his hand.

“Adam Lambert. Kris’ boyfriend.”

He released Jacob’s hand and tucked an arm around Kris’ waist. Meanwhile, Kris looked bewildered at the harshness in Adam’s voice.

“Adam Lambert? _The_ Adam Lambert?”

The overexcited reaction to his name worried Adam a little because Jacob looked like the crazy women who waited hours after a show ended to catch one glimpse of the actors.

“Umm…sure?”

“Oh, no, I swear I’m not crazy! My cousin was in a few shows with you. Lauren Bauer?”

Adam remembered her. A statuesque blonde who’d always gotten the leads in high school and a few in community theatre. Beautiful voice, ugly personality.

“I remember. Stunning coloratura.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her that. I’m so amazed by how talented you are. Your voice is out of this world!”

“Thank you.”

They made small talk for a bit and Adam admitted to himself that Jacob was actually a really nice person. Attractive, talented, funny, smart. A real standup guy. Who kept looking at Kris.

Adam pulled Kris closer. “It was nice meeting you, but I have to take the little one home before curfew.”

Kris elbowed him. “Jerk.”

“It was nice seeing you, Kris. How long are you in town? We should hang out while you’re here.”

“I’d like that. Can you get my phone?”

Adam slipped his hand into Kris’ back pocket, delighting in the squeak Kris emitted when he grabbed more than his phone. He held it out to Jacob who took it and sent a text to himself. After making sure it went through, Kris wriggled out of Adam’s hold and gave Jacob another hug.

“Don’t forget to give me a call.”

“I won’t.”

“Alright baby, let’s get out of here.”

The walk to the car was quick and the drive back felt like it passed in seconds. Instead of stopping at the Allen house, Adam drove past it to the park and stopped the car.

“I thought we were going home.”

“Change of plans. How well did you know Jacob?”

“Not that well. He’s a nice guy, but he didn’t really go out of his way to befriend pit members. What’s with the interrogation?”

“It’s nothing.” He started chipping at his nails again. Kris reached over and took Adam’s hand in his.

“Don’t give me that bullshit Adam, something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”

“He looked like he wanted to eat you.”

Kris burst out laughing, “What?”

“That boy wanted in your pants. I can’t even blame him because you’re like gay catnip!”

“Gay catnip? Adam, are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine.” He yanked his hand away from Kris’. “I just didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

“He was being friendly. What happened between me and him ended a long time ago.”

“Stuff happened between the two of you?” Adam’s voice had an edge in it that unsettled Kris.

“We made out once back in junior year or something. Not a big deal.”

“Obviously it’s a big deal to him since he’s real eager to see you again.”

“He’s a friend, one that I haven’t seen in years. Of course he’s excited that we ran into each other. And even if he is interested, I have you. I don’t want anyone else. I haven’t seen you in over a week. This is supposed to be mushy couple time, remember? I don’t want to spend our time together fighting.”

Adam sighed, “I know I’m being stupid right now, but it just irks me. I don’t like the thought of you with other people.”

“You weren’t exactly celibate all these years.”

“I never said you should’ve been.”

“You implied it.”

“Sue me for wanting to think I’m special.”

Kris’ arm shot out and gripped Adam’s chin, turning his head so that their eyes met.

“You know I love you.” He felt Adam tense. It was the first time he’d acknowledged his feelings aloud since that moment months ago. It was too late to take back now. “But I wasn’t going to wait around for you, especially when I thought it would never happen. As much as I loved you, my life was going to go on regardless of whether or not you felt the same. Wanting me to have waited for you all these years isn’t fair.”

“I know. I know it’s stupid of me to think that way and I’m glad you didn’t wait. I’m glad you had a life of your own. But I keep wondering.”

“About what?”

“How much time we lost together because of how stubborn I was. Do you know how many years of pain we could’ve spared each other if I’d just given in?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know. We were both so young. I was just starting to feel confident about who I was and you weren’t even out of high school yet.” He took Kris’ hand in his own, a thoughtful look in eyes. “I didn’t want you to be with me because it was all you knew. I want you to be with me because even though you know what else is out there, I’m still the one you choose.”

Kris settled into his lap, head leaning on Adam’s shoulder. “And you are. In the end, I’ll always choose you. You can’t torture yourself with the might-have-beens and maybes. Maybe we’d still be together. Maybe we wouldn’t have lasted. You don’t know what would’ve happened.” He moved back a bit to stare into Adam’s eyes. “Do you think everything happens for a reason?”

“Yes. Even though you may not understand it at the time, I think there’s a purpose behind everything.”

“I think the reason you didn’t give in then was because we needed to grow, away from each other. Do you regret turning me away?”

“I don’t know. I don’t regret being with Brad. We learned a lot from each other. I don’t regret knowing what life was like without you because it taught me that I never want to go through life without you ever again.” He clutched Kris to him tighter. “It makes me appreciate being with you even more. But I do regret hurting you. I never wanted to do that, not ever. So my answer is that I do, but I don’t.”

“I don’t. You wouldn’t be my Adam if you didn’t go through those things. I know it took us a long time to get here, but it was worth it. Being with you is worth everything.”

Adam kissed Kris’ forehead. “I don’t deserve you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you just as much as you love them, if not more, not half-assed promises and uncertainty. You deserve to be happy. You deserve better than me.”

“I love you, and being with you makes me happy.”

“I might be making you happy right now, but sooner or later, I’m going to screw up.”

“Do you really think that? If one little mistake is going to send everything crashing down around us, then why are you even bothering? There’s tons of people who’d be thrilled to have you and come with less baggage. So why me? Why are you staying with me when it’s so freaking hard for you?”

“Because I love you.” Adam’s brain caught up to his mouth and he froze. For once in his life, he was fumbling for words. He couldn’t find the right ones to say, find the ones that didn’t sound stupid or insincere.

“Did you just say what I think you said?”

“Did I just blurt out that I love you? Yes, yes I did. I hadn’t even admitted it to myself yet, but at the same time, I knew and- no, that’s not what I want to say. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I feel about you and… God, there are seriously a billion different ways I could’ve done this better. I didn’t want to stumble through this like an idiot or blurt it out out of nowhere and what do I do? I blurt it out and proceed to stumble through the explanation like an idiot.”

Adam risked a glance at Kris and there was a mixture of fondness, confusion and hope on his face. He felt some of his trepidation ease. This was Kris, his best friend and the man he loved, who loved him back and looked as if his most treasured dream had come true, but didn’t want to believe in it just in case he woke up and discovered it wasn’t real at all. Adam brought a hand to Kris’ face, tracing along his jaw before cupping Kris’ face in his hands, bringing him close for a tender kiss. Adam decided to stop worrying about how he sounded and just say what he felt.

“Look, life without you was horrible. Well, not horrible but less…lifelike. It didn’t feel like life, just some weird imitation of it. Like being deprived of one of my senses. I was living my life but it wasn’t complete because I was missing a part of me.”

“Adam…” was rambling and Kris wasn’t quite following him.

He pressed a finger to Kris’ lips. “I love you. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without you. I’ve seen what it’s like and that life wasn’t worth living.”

Kris didn’t know what to say. For years, he had shoved the idea that Adam would love him back into the depths of his mind. When they’d started dating, he’d entertained the idea, but he thought it was hoping for too much. But now that it was true, now that he knew Adam felt the same way, Kris couldn’t believe it.

“Do you mean that?”

Adam gave him a breathtaking smile, the kind that lit up his eyes and told him it was a genuine smile. “More than anything.”

Kris didn’t even attempt to find the words. Eloquence was never something he’d been known for and he believed actions spoke louder than words anyway. Kissing someone while smiling wasn’t exactly logical, but Kris could care less. Adam loved him and if Kris was grinning like an idiot over that fact, then so be it.

Adam pulled away when he realized Kris’ body was shaking with laughter. “Why are you laughing at a time like this?”

Kris looked up at him, eyes sparkling with mirth, “I was just thinking about how the last memorable moment I had in this park also involved a guy and a car.”

“You better not be thinking of some teenage fling after I just declared my undying love for you.” Adam’s eyes narrowed, but there was a teasing tone in his voice.

“Never. It’s always been you, Adam.”

“Mmm.” He leaned in for a kiss. “Mean that?” Kris nibbled on Adam’s bottom lip in answer, kissing his way down his jaw and latching onto his neck. Kris bit him sharply and laughed at the yelp Adam emitted. “Kris,” Adam whimpered, “if I go home with a hickey, my family won’t rest until they know every last detail of the past three hours, and while we’re incredibly open about pretty much everything, our sex lives are subjects we generally stay away from.”

Kris hummed in reply, rocking back and forth in Adam’s lap, grinding his ass down onto the growing hardness beneath him. Adam’s head tilted back, exposing more of his neck to Kris’ mouth. He groaned at the increasing intensity of Kris’ ministrations and gathered all his remaining strength, and self-control, to push Kris away.

“No! Bad Kris. No car sex.”

Adam’s resolve weakened a little at the pout on Kris’ lips, but Adam didn’t want their first time to be in his car. No, he wanted to take his time, make Kris fall apart and watch his reaction to each touch, each caress, each bite- He stopped that train of thought before it could travel any further.

“But Adam.” Kris kept up a steady circling motion with his hips. The pout became even more pronounced, soft brown eyes looking at him pleadingly. And there was the friction too. The friction was _really_ nice.

“Have you ever had sex in a car?” Kris shook his head. “It’s not comfortable unless you have the right car for it, and baby, I don’t.”

Kris stopped moving, rolling his eyes, “Fine, fine.”

“You know why I made you stop?” When Kris didn’t say anything, Adam kept talking. “It’s definitely not because I don’t want you. I think you can feel just how much I do.” He bucked his hips up at that, loving the full body shudder he got from Kris at the action. “But baby, the first time I take you, it’s going to be special. Not a quick fuck while we’re in a parking lot. I want to do this right.”

Kris sighed, pulling Adam into a long kiss. Once they separated, Kris rested his forehead against Adam’s. “You always seem to know what to say,” then he climbed back into his seat, buckling his belt.

“Where are you going?”

“Home. If you keep me in this car any longer, I’m going to end up molesting you, so drive me back to my house.”

“Bossy,” Adam grumbled.

Kris grinned, “Your own fault sweetheart. I understand why you wanted me to stop. I want to take my time with you.” The grin morphed into a smirk. “You have a fantastic body. I love your freckles and now I know they go all the way down. Sometimes, I want to connect them using my tongue-”

“Okay, let’s take you home!” Adam’s voice had risen in pitch and he fumbled for his car keys, trying to turn them but his hands were shaking too badly. Kris wrapped his hand around Adam’s, turning the key in the lock.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased like that.” He reached over to plant a kiss on Adam’s cheek. “You good?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You know, I could take care of that.” His hand crept up Adam’s thigh, getting dangerously close to where Adam wanted it. Adam took his hand and placed it in Kris’ lap.

“Don’t even Kristopher. I’m taking you home and then I’m going to take a cold shower.”

The drive was quick and before Kris got out of the car, he gave Adam a quick peck. “I really am sorry for pushing your limits back there. I was just a little overeager.”

“A little? Kris, you were using all sorts of dirty tactics. I’ve taught you well.”

He laughed, “That you have. I’ll see you at the Saunders’ party on Friday.” A slower, sweeter kiss this time, the kind that made the rest of the world melt away. “I love you,” Kris whispered against Adam’s lips.

“I love you too baby.” Another quick peck and Kris was out the door, looking back at Adam until he reached the front door, closing it behind him.

Life was looking pretty damn good right about now.


	4. Chapter 4

Every year, Beth Saunders threw a holiday party at her house. She knew all the right people, and when she wanted something done, it got done. Or else. It was for close friends only, but other people always tried to wriggle their way in.

Adam loved her parties. Usually.

His eyes kept roaming to where Kris was on the other side of the room, talking to Cameron, now a high school senior, and his girlfriend Allison, a junior he’d met during the fall play. His arm was wrapped around Allison’s shoulders, keeping her close. They were comfortably affectionate with each other, in that sweet, young love sort of way.

The sight made him ache a little.

He wanted to be able to show that sort of easy affection to Kris in front of everyone, and someday they’d be able to, but right now, he could live with keeping it quiet. His family probably needed some time to get used to this, and telling them he was in a serious relationship -with someone they’d known since before he’d hit puberty- was not a good idea at the moment.

It still took all his self-restraint to keep from walking over there and kissing Kris senseless.

The sexual tension wasn’t helping either.

It’d always been present, but before, the bigger problem of whether or not he loved Kris had overridden that particular urge. It’s not like they’d never gone there in the past few months, but Adam had felt like it was cheating to go all the way with Kris when he was unsure about where their relationship was going.

Of course, now that they’d more or less decided that this was one of those forever kind of relationships, that wasn’t really a problem, now, was it?

Ugh, Adam had never been this off-kilter over any of his other boys. It’d been simple and straight-forward, no emotional messes coming into play.

Except Brad. But even Brad hadn’t been this hard to navigate, and their relationship had been all kinds of interesting -the good and the bad connotations that went along with that word.

But Kris was different from his other boys.

Kris was special to him, always had been, and now there was another layer to what made him so dear to Adam.

Sure, their relationship meant breaking away from the usual model his relationships followed, but this was worth it.

Kris’ eyes caught his, finally, and they shared a secret smile.

This was worth anything and everything.

He was jolted out of his musings by Kendall, bright and happy with a smile on her face.

“Adam!” She grabbed him in a tight hug.

“Hey Ken doll. How’ve you been?”

“Fantastic!” She shot him an evil grin, “I beat out Amanda Dunaway for Hope Cladwell in _Urinetown_.”

Adam gaped at her, “No!”

“Yes!”

He swept her up in a warm embrace, lifting her off her feet. Funny how the best huggers he knew were all tiny.

“That’s great, sweetie. How’d Amanda take it?”

“Not well. She might have flipped out because the ‘amateur’ was chosen over her. I think she’s just worried I’ll steal Robert away from her since he’s playing opposite me.”

“Hey, no dating costars, Ken doll. That almost never ends well. Remember Jack?”

She rolled her eyes at him, “Don’t remind me. Ugh, he was such a jerk. Besides, Rob’s dating Amanda. That’s a good indicator of his level of intelligence. Anyway, the important part is that this is my first lead since I’ve left high school. Do you know how big of a deal this is?”

“I do. I’m so proud of you! You better have tickets reserved for me already.”

“Of course!” She embraced him again before letting go, biting her lower lip nervously. “So…um…I was wondering, have you talked to Kris lately?”

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“I wanted to apologize to him. I was a bit of a nightmare when we were growing up.” She looked sheepish after she said that, darting a glance in Kris’ direction.

“A bit? Kendall, that boy used to cry on my shoulder about how incredibly evil you were!”

“I wasn’t evil! I was obsessed. There’s a difference. Besides, look how cute he turned out. I had good taste, even as a kid.”

Adam’s eyes raked over Kris’ body which was encased in tight jeans and a tighter than usual t-shirt, items he’d bought for Kris on a whim one day.

“He _definitely_ turned out cute.”

The suggestive lilt in his voice made Kendall look up at him. She let out a small gasp at the heat in his gaze, something that went unnoticed by Adam. He was too busy picturing removing Kris’ clothes, piece by piece, brushing against every inch of smooth skin that he revealed.

“Adam?”

“Hmm?” he replied absent-mindedly.

“Is there any particular reason you’re looking at Kris like he’s an all-you-can-eat buffet?”

Adam blushed, snapping out of his daydream. “I can look, can’t I?”

Kendall didn’t say anything, just hummed under her breath, a glint in her eye. Adam felt a chill run up his spine. Dani looked like that every time she stumbled upon a puzzle she couldn’t quite figure out, but come hell or high water, she was going to solve it. The problem was she usually did.

The Saunders siblings were similar in that respect: ambition and deadly intelligence tempered by creativity and geniality. It was a frightening combination. They were great at catching people off-guard and making them reveal things.

“Dani mentioned you were seeing someone new. What’s he like?”

Things like who Adam was dating.

He gave her a look, “If I didn’t tell any of them, what makes you think I’ll tell you?”

She gave him a sunny smile, hazel eyes sparkling, “Because I’m your best girl.”

“You were a crying five-year-old when I said that.”

“So? It still counts. Tell me. Please?”

“Not now.”

Kendall pouted, “Fine, be like that. I will find out though. I’m enlisting Dani in my mission.”

“Great, I’m doomed.” Adam ran a hand through his hair, “Go bother Kris or something. I thought you were going to apologize to him.”

“You can try to divert my attention, but I’ll always return. And you’re right.” She was biting her lip again while twirling a strand of hair around her fingers. “I guess I’ll just go over there now.”

Kendall didn’t move. She stood still and darted nervous glances at Kris who was laughing at something Allison said. Adam took pity on her, wrapping her in another hug.

“Hey. It’ll be okay Ken doll. He’s a good guy. He’ll listen to you. Just go.”

He gave her a gentle push and watched in amusement as she stumbled her way across the room.

This was going to be interesting.

~*~

Kris liked going to the Saunders’ yearly holiday party.

Beth’s inner circle of friends were a close-knit group and that was passed on to their children. His closest friends were the people he’d met and grown up with at these parties. A couple of them couldn’t make it, Kezia was off at her boyfriend’s to finally ‘meet the family’, but most of them were here, some with significant others in tow.

Even little Cameron (who wasn’t really little anymore at eighteen) had a girlfriend. They made a cute couple. Allison was a sweet kid, boundless energy and feistiness in a brightly-colored package. Her hair was naturally dark brown, but had been dyed red and streaked with purple, blue and pink.

He had a feeling she’d get along great with Adam.

Allison had been a tech for the fall play and had accidentally dropped one of the heavier props on Cameron’s foot while he was taking his place for his next scene. The start of their story was more than a little odd, but it worked for them.

Watching them reminded him of how much he wanted to be snuggled up against Adam’s side the way Allison was to Cameron’s.

Speaking of Adam…

Kris looked to where he’d last seen him, eyebrows rising at the devious grin on Adam’s face. When their eyes met, Adam nodded to his left, and that’s when he saw Kendall walking towards him. Kris admitted to himself that Kendall still scared the crap out of him. For years, the girl had channeled the infamous Saunders ambition into winning Kris’ heart.

Not that it’d worked, but he had to give her points for persistence and evil genius.

When they were both in high school, she’d taken it down five notches, but the last two years of his high school career were filled with boys giving him the death stare for having an unwanted claim on Kendall’s heart. She’d dated a few guys, but she’d also made it clear that she’d drop them for Kris in a millisecond. Kendall had stopped actively ruining his chances with other people, but she made no secret of how she felt about him and no one wanted to get on her bad side.

As Kendall came closer, Kris felt like he was only a few seconds away from a massive panic attack.

Cameron and Allison noticed his preoccupation and asked if he was alright, concern written all over their faces. He choked out that he was fine, something neither of them believed if their skeptical looks were anything to go by, and he felt the panic reach critical mass as Kendall stopped in front of their little group, cautiously saying hello.

He was vaguely aware of her asking Cameron and Allison to give them a moment alone. When it registered, he tried to keep his face from contorting into anything resembling fear. Kris tried not to do something pathetic, like beg them not to leave, as they walked away and left Kendall and Kris by themselves.

“Hi Kris. How’ve you been?”

“Good.” No matter what anyone else said, the word didn’t come out as a squeak.

Kendall burst into loud laughter and in that instant, she reminded him so much of Danielle that some of the tension in his shoulders eased.

“I’m sorry, but you look so terrified right now. It’s like I’m the big angry truck driver and you’re the innocent deer I’m about to run over.”

Kris tried to keep his face from showing how apt he thought the comparison was. Kendall was still giggling, hazel eyes flashing. She looked more like the little girl Kris had been entranced by when they’d first met. The timid girl with the pretty eyes and shy smile.

“Thanks?”

“Okay,” she got her laughter under control and looked up at Kris, determination on her face. “I came over here for a reason.”

“You mean other than laughing at me?”

“Have you always been this sarcastic?” she hit him on the arm as she said that and as soon as the action registered, she fell over herself apologizing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. It’s a reflex. I’m so used to Cameron saying something snappy and then hitting him to make him shut up. I didn’t mean to hit you, I’m really, really sorry-”

“It’s okay. I know how it is. Little brothers are annoying.”

Kendall grinned, “Yeah.”

For the first time in his life, Kris was sharing a comfortable silence with Kendall, of all people. He was starting to wonder if Beth put something in the punch. Kendall seemed to realize the oddity of their situation at the same time.

“I came over here to apologize.”

“For what?”

She rolled her eyes, “For being the little stalker that couldn’t take a hint.” She appeared to draw into herself, speaking softly and not meeting Kris’ eyes. “I never meant to make you miserable. I just felt so strongly about you that I didn’t let anyone stand in my way, including you. I’m sorry for that. If I really cared about you, I would’ve taken how you felt into consideration and I never did, even when I got older and couldn’t use childishness as an excuse anymore. I’m sorry.”

Kendall looked at the floor, afraid of what his reaction would be. Hugging her tightly was _not_ one of the reactions she’d pictured. He was holding her in his arms and she numbly realized her own arms had come up to wrap around his waist. His breath against her ear and the low vibrations of his voice made her shiver.

“It was a long time ago Kendall. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Before she knew what was happening, her eyes had fallen shut and she was moving in for a kiss. It was short and chaste, Kris frozen beneath her touch. Kendall snapped back to reality.  
“I’m sorry.”

She walked away, not looking back, planting her face in Adam’s chest. Kris stood still, bewildered and confused. His eyes met Adam’s over Kendall’s head.

He couldn’t read any of the expressions flitting across Adam’s face.

Adam broke their gaze and ushered Kendall out of the room, neither of them giving Kris a second glance.

~*~

Adam took Kendall to the backyard, empty now because the cold night air had forced the other guests inside. It was convenient for privacy though. He cleared his throat loudly and watched as Cameron and Allison sprang apart from where they were making out on a bench. Cameron mumbled an apology, tugging Allison inside behind him. She smiled and waved at them as they walked past.

He sat down on the porch swing and patted the seat next to him. Kendall sat down gingerly, watching him warily.

“What the hell was that?”

His voice was quiet and icy. Kendall felt a shiver run through her. It’d been a long time since she’d seen Adam angry, but this was beyond that. This was Adam furious, something she hadn’t experienced directed at her since she was sixteen and stupid.

“I didn’t mean to. I apologized and then he hugged me. He’s never hugged me before! And then he told me I didn’t have anything to be sorry about. He was being so sweet and I’ve wanted him for so long… I couldn’t help it.” She looked up at him with those eyes of hers. “Do you know what it’s like to want someone for so long and to know you can’t have them?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Tonight I thought, maybe, just maybe, he’d see me the way I’ve always seen him.”

Adam’s ire cooled. He knew all too well what it was like to want someone who was untouchable. The irony was that they were both talking about Kris.

“And how do you see him?”

When he spoke again, his voice was still soft, but there was warmth in it this time. Kendall looked up at him, taken aback by the sudden change in his demeanor.

“I don’t even know how to describe it. He just…he makes me want to be better than I am. He’s an amazing person. When someone amazing loves you, that must mean there’s something amazing about yourself right?”

“Oh, sweetie.” He wrapped an arm around Kendall, her head falling onto his shoulder. “You _are_ amazing. You don’t need a guy to tell you that. Even the ones like Kris.”

“What kind of guy is Kris?”

“Perfect.”

She laughed, the vibrations tickling Adam’s shoulder. “Way to make me feel better. You’re right though. He’s a pretty great guy.” She looked up at him again. “So are you. If you ever decide it’s not working out with the new guy and want to try dating a girl, come find me ‘kay?”

“I don’t think that’ll happen, honey. This one’s for keeps.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Her voice was soft and wistful.

“More than anything. He means the world to me.”

“So why haven’t you told us more about him other than that he exists?”

Adam bit his lip, “He just came out to his family. I don’t know if they’d be able to take a boyfriend on top of that, especially one like me.”

“You mean a boyfriend who’s incredible? I know you’re not exactly the average guy, but that doesn’t mean they’d react negatively to you. You’re Adam! No one in their right mind would hate you, even if you’re not who they expected their son to end up with.”

It was a shame Kris didn’t know Kendall’s softer side. He thought that this Kendall would worm her way into Kris’ heart the same way she had into Adam’s.

“Maybe you’re right, Ken doll. But that’s his decision to make, not mine. If he wants to wait, I’ll wait.”

“Maybe he thinks you want to wait. Maybe he’d love nothing more than to tell everyone.”

Adam bit his lip, resisting the impulse to call Kris’ name so they could talk about this together.

“You want to call him and ask don’t you?”

He grinned at her, relieved. “You know me so well.”

He kissed her forehead before he started rummaging through his pockets for his phone. Kendall could see the screen from where she was sitting. Luckily, his penchant for saving people in his contacts under a ridiculous nick name kept her from figuring it out.

Kris answered right away, worry evident in his voice. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll tell you in a second.”

“How about you tell me right now? And why are you calling me? We’re in the same place.”

“I know that, but there’s a reason.”

“Care to tell me what it is?”

“Do you want to tell them?”

The silence that followed was so long, Adam checked to see if Kris was even on the line. “You there, babe?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here, but Adam, this is kind of sudden.”

“So you don’t.” He sounded so defeated. Kendall reached over to squeeze his hand in a comforting grip.

Kris rushed to reassure him, “I didn’t say that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to see you and not touch you?”

“I think I can guess.”

“What brought this on?”

“I was thinking about it. Do you want to tell them? Are you ready for that?”

“Honestly? You make me feel invincible.”

“That was corny.”

“I don’t care how stupid it sounds! It’s true. I feel like I could face anything if I have you by my side.”

“I love you.” The words slipped out without thought and Kendall’s smile lit up the darkness. If nothing else, he’d have her support, even after she found out about Kris. He could feel it.

“I never get tired of hearing that. Where are you anyway?”

“I’m sitting outside with Kendall.”

“While you’re on the phone with me?”

“Yes.”

“At the same time?”

“Yes.”

“Kendall Saunders has been sitting next to you this entire conversation?”

“Do you need a written document as proof?”

“Are you insane?!”

“Possibly.”

“I’m serious. I don’t think telling Kendall first is the best idea. She did just kiss me.”

“We talked it out baby. Now quit stalling and get your sweet ass out here.”

“Adam-”

“Hey.” His voice was warm, wrapping around Kris like velvet. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t trust her. If you don’t have faith in her, then have faith in me.”

“Always.”

Adam’s head jerked to the doorway where the answer had come from. Kris was standing in the threshold, phone in hand and a tentative smile on his face. Kendall looked perplexed as Kris walked over and pulled up a chair close to Adam’s side of the swing. Adam stuffed his phone back into his jeans and grabbed Kris’ hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Hey there.”

Kendall’s eyes were wide, mouth gaping open.

“I guess this time you’re the innocent deer?” Kris gave her a mischievous grin.

Adam chuckled, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“It’s a secret between Kendall and me.”

She continued to gape like a fish, stare fixed on their joined hands.

Kris untangled their hands, ignoring Adam’s pout. “I’m assuming Adam didn’t give you a heads-up.”

“In my defense, you appeared out of nowhere.”

“How was I supposed to know you wouldn’t be able to contain yourself?”

“You should know better by now.”

Kendall tuned out their bickering, focused on processing the newly revealed information. She wasn’t even sure she was hearing them right. Obviously, she’d snapped in the last five minutes and that’s why she thought this was happening. That had to be it. Didn’t it?

She glanced over at them and they were still bantering back and forth. It was like she wasn’t even there.

“Guys!” Both of them turned to face her. “Am I connecting the dots right or did I miss something?”

Even in the dark, she could make out the bright red blush on Kris’ face.

Adam appeared nonplussed, but she’d known him long enough to know what to look for. He wasn’t meeting her gaze head-on, looking slightly to her left instead. “What dots are you connecting exactly?”

“Kris is your mysterious new boyfriend.”

He smiled at her hesitantly, “I always knew you were smart, Ken doll.”

“You’re serious? This isn’t an elaborate joke or a hallucination brought on by stress?”

Adam started to speak, but Kris cut him off, pulling him into a passionate kiss. It was brief but the tension between them was palpable.

“It’s real,” Kris said breathlessly.

“Kris…” Adam’s hand gripped Kris’ chin, tilting him up for another kiss.

Kendall jumped up from the swing. “Here, take my seat!”

“Kendall-”

“No, really. You can have it.”

As soon as Kris settled onto the swing, Adam wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. They fit together instantly.

“Adam,” Kris said, wriggling against him.

“Relax. I just want to hold you.” He dropped a quick peck onto Kris’ forehead and returned his attention to Kendall.

She was watching them intently, mouth pursed in concentration.

“You alright, Ken doll?”

“I…I don’t really know, Adam. This is a little overwhelming.”

“You could’ve used a gentler method to tell her.”

“Mouthy brat.”

“Pot, meet kettle.”

“I repeat, mouthy brat.”

It was like watching a tennis match.

“Stop bickering like an old married couple!”

Adam looked contrite and reached out to take her hand. “Sorry. I should be more attentive to how you’re taking this. How are you taking this?”

Kendall worried at her bottom lip, thinking. “I think I’m okay. It’s definitely a surprise. My unofficial big brother and the boy I’ve had a crush on for like ever are going out. I’m in shock. Let’s go with that. I’m in shock, and I have no clue what’s going on.”

“I’m sorry sweetie.”

He looked unsure. She’d seen him like that so often while she was growing up, and she’d always taken pride in being one of the people who could make him stop looking so vulnerable, so scared, and make him smile.

Kendall hated that this time, she was the one who’d put that look on his face.

“Are you scared that I’ll hate you?” From the corner of her eye, she saw Kris lay a comforting hand on Adam’s leg. “Because I won’t. I don’t think it’s even possible for me to. This was definitely unexpected, but I’ll always love you. Some random guy isn’t going to change that. No offense, Kris.”

“None taken.”

“So yeah, I’m probably not even fully absorbing these facts right now, but no matter how much of a freak-out I have later, I’m still going to care about you.”

Realization dawned on her face. “Oh. My. God. I made a move on your man. No wonder you looked like you wanted to kill me earlier! I am so sorry, Adam! You probably hated me for going on about how much I liked him. I’m so stupid!”

The fear disappeared, a genuine smile spreading across Adam’s face. “Don’t stress about it Ken doll. I’ve known for years that you were crazy about him.” He rested his hand on top of Kris’. “I don’t blame you. He’s perfect.”

“Stop being mushy. I haven’t decided if I find you two cute or sickening yet.”

“I can’t help it. You’ve seen me in love before Kendall. I’m not afraid to show it in front of other people.”

“Within reason,” Kris chimed in.

“Of course, baby.”

The look that passed between them made her heart ache.

“Life isn’t fair.”

They both turned to her, concerned looks on their faces.

“I spent years mooning over you and you end up falling in love with Adam. It’s like one big cosmic joke. I kind of want to kill you, but I can’t be mad at either of you because you both look so unbelievably happy.”

“Sweetie-”

Kendall held up a hand. “Adam, I’m fine. But I warned you I’d freak out. Give me some time to get used to,” she waved her hand at them, “this.” She stood up, heading towards the door, “I’ll leave you two alone. You probably haven’t had much time together lately.”

She had only taken a few steps when she heard Kris call out her name.

“Kendall?”

She turned around, giving him a quizzical look.

“If you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me. Not Adam.”

She stared at him for a moment before leaning down to wrap them both in a hug. “Stop reminding me why I carried a torch for you all these years. You’re Adam’s now, and that just makes any sort of romantic feelings between us weird. As for you,” she paused to kiss Adam’s cheek, “I’m going to be okay. I’m a big girl. I’m happy for you- _both_ of you. Stop worrying about how I’m feeling and make out with your boyfriend or something. I’ll keep watch. You two can go ahead and be couple-y. Just don’t get carried away.” She stepped back, looking them both over.

They were a beautiful couple.

Kendall smiled at them before she went back inside. If her smile was tinged with sadness, neither of them acknowledged it.

Kris watched her leave, nose scrunched up in thought. “Has she always been like that?”

“Like what?”

“Nice.”

“That Kendall’s always been in there. You just have to get past the loud, obnoxious one first.”

“I never knew.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” Adam let his hand wander down to the small of Kris’ back. “I’m just glad she doesn’t hate me for all eternity or something like that.”

“You’re Adam Lambert. No decent human being could honestly hate you.”

“Your opinion’s kind of biased.”

“I don’t care. Ask any of the people in there. You’re wonderful.”

“So are you.”

They put aside words after that. All they needed to know was written in the other’s touch.

~*~

Kendall had no idea what to do.

On one hand, she was happy for Adam. On the other, it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. She breathed out a shaky laugh that sounded more like a sob.

She knew it was stupid. She prided herself on being a realist, but when it came to love, she’d always been more than a little idealistic. Part of her had always held onto Kris, for that day when he saw her and loved her the way she’d always wanted him to.

Instead, he was in love with Adam.

It was one big joke.

Not Kris and Adam, not them at all.

She was the joke. She was the silly little girl who’d waited for a man who wouldn’t ever return her feelings.

Nevertheless, as much as it hurt, as much as she wanted to deny it, it was love. She could see it in the way they looked at each other. They were happy together and that’s what mattered.

But what about Kendall? What about what she wanted? She wanted to rant and rave and scream until her throat ached and she couldn’t make another sound. She wanted to cry for days and days, until all her tears had run dry.

She wanted to be selfish and destroy them, hurt them until they felt as alone as she did right now.

As soon as the thought came into her head, she recoiled from it.

It was the hurt talking, the ugly side of a person that came out when they were in pain and not thinking clearly.

She couldn’t do that to either of them. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she damaged what they had.

She’d move past this eventually.

But for now, she wanted to grieve.

For the little girl who’d taken one look at 9-year-old Kris Allen’s sweet smile and fallen in love with him. For the woman who couldn’t have him because he was in love with Adam instead.

For the lonely girl who’d spent years wishing for someone who was never hers.

She laid down on the couch and let the tears fall.

It couldn’t have been more than an hour later when she finally stopped crying.

Kendall wiped away her tears and walked to the doors, sure that their absence would be noticed soon. She stood in the doorway and spent a few seconds watching them talk quietly, sharing a few sweet kisses every now and then.

This situation still sucked, but causing a scene at a party full of people she had grown up with was probably not the best coping method.

She just had to keep reminding herself of the good in this situation.

They were good together and they were in love. Obviously in love, if anyone took the time to look.

She’d move past this.

She cleared her throat and stifled a giggle at their startled reactions.

“I think we better head inside. We’ve been MIA for a while now, and they might get suspicious.”

Kris kept stuttering out parts of words and sentences, but Adam looked unfazed, “Alright. Thanks, Ken doll.”

He stood up, pulling Kris up with him and slinging an arm around his shoulders.

“You might want to cut back on the love fest.”

“I’ve always been affectionate with Kris.”

Kendall just rolled her eyes at the whiny note in Adam’s voice. “Yes, but Kris hasn’t always looked like he wants to throw you against the nearest available surface so he can molest you.”

Kris squeaked, “What? I don’t look like that!” He turned to Adam, “Do I?”

“Well, your face can’t lie, baby.”

“Just because not all of us are actors,” he grumbled.

“Says the bitter ex-bando.” At Kris’ scowl, Adam leaned down to give him a quick peck. “I love your adorable little face. You make the best faces. But in this case, it’s not a good thing.”

Kris sighed, “Can we just tell them now and get it over with?”

“You haven’t thought this through, Kris.”

“I’m in love with you, we’re together, and I intend to spend the rest of my life that way. I think I’ve thought this through.”

“Baby, this isn’t something you can just rush into. We need to ease into this.”

“Adam, it took us seven years, give or take, to get to this point. I think we’ve eased into this long enough.” He turned to Kendall, “ Back me up here, Ken doll. Our parents are big kids, they can handle this right?”

She stared at him, open-mouthed, “Did you just call me Ken doll?”

“Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair nervously, “Does it bother you?”

“No! I mean, no, it’s fine. It was just a surprise.” She shot him a shy smile. “The good kind.”

“I’m glad.”

“I’m happy you two are starting to bond, really, I am. But we have a problem here.”

Adam’s voice was starting to sound high-pitched and anxious. Kris gave Kendall an exasperated glance, as if to say ‘how do we put up with this?’ and rubbed a soothing hand across Adam’s back.

“You wanted to know if I felt ready to tell them. I am.”

“Kris-”

He leaned up to brush his lips against Adam’s, eyes falling shut as he stayed there, speaking against Adam’s mouth, “You told me to have faith in you, and now, I’m asking you to return the favor.”

Kris stepped away, but took Adam’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. Adam was watching him with fond eyes, a slight smile quirking his lips.

“Always being my voice of reason, aren’t you?”

“Someone has to be level-headed in the face of your drama queen tendencies.”

Kendall felt a mixture of wistfulness and protectiveness settle into the pit of her stomach at the way they looked at each other.

It was the way she’d always wanted someone to look at her.

Envy and resentment were lingering in her still, but overriding that was an overwhelming tenderness.

“We should go inside now,” she said softly, her eyes bright and her smile melancholy.

“You’re right,” Adam said, watching her with worried eyes. “You head in first, baby. I need to tell my best girl something real quick.” He shoved Kris away from him playfully.

“You just want to stare at my ass while I walk away,” Kris called back, heading inside the house once more.

Adam laughed loudly, “He’s not wrong about that.” His glance shifted to Kendall, worry creasing his face. “You okay?”

“No.” She moved forward to hug him tightly, smiling at the kiss he pressed to her forehead. “But I will be.”

~*~

“I know something you don’t know.”

Danielle looked up from her phone and saw Neil Lambert smirking down at her.

“Lesser Lambro,” she intoned mockingly, nodding at him in acknowledgment.

“Tell me, how does it feel to be the oldest _and_ the least attractive sibling out of a set of three?”

“Good to know New York hasn’t made you lose your edge.” Neil plopped down onto the couch next to her and she leaned over to give his cheek a quick peck. “So, what were you saying about knowing something I don’t?”

“There’s a certain factoid that you’ve been wanting to find out for quite some time. And I, dear Danielle, am well-educated on that subject.”

“Spill it, runt.”

“I don’t know, Saunders. I’m unsure if you’re worthy of this news.”

“Don’t make me castrate you.”

“Justine won’t like it if you do that.”

“Like I care what your girlfriend thinks of me.”

“You should. She’s pretty damn threatening when she wants to be.”

“To deal with you, I imagine she must be.”

“That hurts.”

“Tough,” Danielle muttered, rolling her eyes and returning her attention to her phone. Neil was probably just spouting off random crap because he was bored.

“I know who Adam’s boyfriend is.”

 _That_ caught her attention.

Her gaze darted to Neil’s face, “What?”

“I know. Who Adam’s. Boyfriend. Is.”

Neil yelped when Danielle gripped his shirt collar and tugged harshly on it until they were nose to nose.

“Tell me everything you know, and Justine gets you back in one piece. Continue to act like an annoying little shit, and they won’t know where to find the body.”

Neil smirked at her, “There’s the Danielle I know and love. Pushy, bitchy, and threatening physical violence in order to obtain information.”

“You always did bring out my nasty side.”

“You mean you have sides that aren’t?”

“Less taunting, more spilling,” she said, releasing her hold on his shirt.

Neil looked around the small room and was relieved to find it empty. He didn’t want anyone else hearing this conversation.

“Kris Allen.”

Danielle goggled at him for a bit before bursting into laughter that was edging into hysterical.

“Oh my god, that’s the best laugh I’ve had in a _long_ time. Okay, seriously, do you actually know who Adam’s new boyfriend is?”

“Ask Kris if he’s seeing anyone right now and his face will tell you all you need to know.”

“Sure, Neil. Sure.” She stood up from the couch and walked out of the room, her laughter echoing in the hallway.

Neil shook his head, reaching into his pocket to send Adam a quick text. _watch urself diva._

 _Wtf did u do?!_

 _mightve told dani…didn’t buy it though. tell ur boy to watch that face of his._

 _You little fucker! KNEW i shouldnt have told u._

 _chill out drama queen. if i didnt tell her, she wouldnt have known until after u decided to grow a pair. n seeing as how its been almost 27 yrs n still no luck, i think shed die never knowing bout u n lover boy._

 _We were going to tell our parents first dipshit! How the hell is someone as fabulous as me related to a moron like u?_

 _im still under the impression that ur really a freaky alien baby that got left on our doorstep n mom n dad were too nice to send u back._

 _U r the worst brother EVER._

 _im going to pretend thats glittery alien speak for “thanks neil for having the balls to tell my best friend what i couldnt because im a big baby underneath all the leather and eyeliner”._

 _Quit being an asshole n help me! If dani finds out its true b4 either of us tell her, im going to DIE!!_

 _danielles not gonna kill u._

 _Yes she is! U havent seen her get protective over kris. Shes sucking terrifying. ___

 _  
_sucking? sthing u wanna tell me about u n danielle?_   
_

_Fuck u. Its a typo._

 _suuuure. hah. ur going to die._

 _Good to know my imminent death is worth laughing at._

Neil ignored the rest of Adam’s texts after that. They were all probably along the lines of “help me out, you piece of shit,” or “I’m going to fucking kill you.” Or maybe both.

Adam could hold a grudge with the best of them.

This was for his own good though. Danielle was his best friend and she had a right to know.

And, okay, the inevitable pandemonium that would ensue once everyone found out was a pretty nice bonus.

It’s not like the party was dull or anything, but there was only so long Neil could stomach the whole “make small talk and play nice with people you grew up with but didn’t really talk to anymore” thing.

Plus, if he knew his brother, and he did, he wanted nothing more than to tell the world he was in love with Kris Allen. Preferably in an over the top, incredibly dramatic, unforgettable way.

Then again…

He felt kind of bad for springing Dani on Kris without any sort of warning.

Neil knew Kris didn’t like being the center of attention and he was a nice guy, despite his questionable taste in boyfriends.

Crap, his conscience was starting to kick in.

Neil got up and headed towards the voices emanating from the living room.

Might as well hand the guy a life preserver before he fell overboard.

~*~

Kris scanned the room for any sign of his parents. Most of the parents were gathered in the living room, chatting as they sipped wine.

He caught sight of Leila laughing loudly on the couch with Eber and Amy, a bright smile on her face that reminded him of Adam’s.

But his own parents were nowhere in sight.

If they weren’t in here, there were at least four other rooms they could be in. He wished the Saunders’ house didn’t have so many rooms.

Kris squeaked when a hand clamped down on his arm as he was passing the stairs. He spun around and Neil was grinning at him.

Neil and grinning usually didn’t go together. Kris felt a sense of foreboding wash over him.

“Hey, Kris.”

“Neil?”

Neil opened his mouth and closed it again when he saw Danielle walk into the room. Luckily, they could see her, but she couldn’t see them.

Yet.

“Okay, I thought I’d have more time to warn you, but I guess not.”

“What?”

“Look, I know about you and Adam. Don’t ask me how or why, no time to explain right now. I might have told Danielle about the two of you. She didn’t believe me, but I thought you deserved some sort of preparation for her attack.”

“Wait, _you_ know? And so does Dani?!”

Neil rolled his eyes, “Yes, midget-man, I believe that’s what I just said.”

“Lay off me. I’m screwing your brother, remember?”

Kris burst into loud chuckles at the horrified expression on Neil’s face.

“Don’t you ever, _ever, **ever**_ talk about you and my brother in any sort of sexual context ever again! I’m scarred enough as is from growing up with him."

“You deserve it.” He punched Neil’s arm, taking a bit of vindictive pleasure in his pained groan. “I can’t believe you told her! We haven’t even told our parents yet. Are you really that bored at this party?”

“Yes.”

“Typical,” Kris sighed. “Thanks for the heads-up. Even though it’s your fault that I needed to be warned at all.”

“Well, you two are slow. If I didn’t tell her for you guys, we could’ve been waiting for decades. We could have all died never knowing about the greatest love story that ever was!”

“Yeah, your sarcasm? Not appreciated, man.”

“You’ve been around my brother too long, Kris. You’re absorbing his personality. I didn’t know transference could happen through-”

“Whatever sexual act you’re going to end that sentence with, keep it in your head. And just so you know, I’m coming after you later for being such a loudmouth.”

“Good to know. Good luck, Kristopher. You’re going to need it.” Neil walked away, laughing to himself.

This was the most entertaining party this house had seen in years.

~*~

Danielle looked around the crowded living room and scowled when she didn’t see Kris anywhere.

Why was this house so damn big? It made it hard to find people.

She walked out of the living room, entering the hallway and beaming when she saw Kris sitting on the stairs.

“Krissy!”

She was about to pounce when Kendall appeared out of nowhere, blocking her path.

“Dani, I need your help.”

“Damn it, Ken doll, not now.”

She tried to walk around her, but Kendall moved with her.

“Kendall!”

“Please? It’s really important.”

Kendall stared at her sadly, eyes glistening with tears and her bottom lip trembling.

Danielle sighed, unable to resist the puppy eyes, “What?”

Kendall’s eyes darted in Kris’ direction, “Not here. Somewhere private.”

“Fine,” she grumbled, pouting as Kendall pushed her towards the stairs.

As the sisters passed Kris on the stairs, he gave Kendall a thankful smile, biting down on his lower lip to muffle his laugh when the sad expression on her face vanished instantly and she mouthed ‘you owe me’ at him.

She was a good person to have on your side.

Once they were out of sight, he closed his eyes and held his head in his hands. This was going to be more complicated than he’d first thought.

“Kris?”

“Adam,” he uttered, voice shaky and quiet as he looked up at him.

“Oh, come here,” Adam said, grabbing Kris’ hand in his, pulling him up and into his arms to wrap him in a warm embrace. “I was looking for you, baby. Neil was an idiot, as usual, and made things sticky.”

“Sticky? You’re a strange man, Adam Lambert.”

“You love me that way,” he retorted, kissing Kris’ forehead.

“I do. I ran into Neil, by the way. He told me about Danielle. Said that he felt bad about telling her without either of us knowing beforehand. I think his empathy chip finally kicked in.”

“Better late than never. You still want to do this? We don’t have to do this now. We can wait a little while longer.”

Kris sighed, leaving the shelter of Adam’s arms. “I still want to do this.” His eyes were determined.

Adam gave him a small smile, “Then let’s go.”

~*~

“Mom? Dad?”

Leila and Eber gazed up at their son from where they were sitting on the couch, identical inquiring expressions on their faces.

“Do you think I could borrow you for a minute? I need to talk to you about something important.”

They exchanged a glance before standing, simultaneously.

“Lead the way, son.”

He started walking towards the family room in the basement. He and Kris had decided it was the best place to discuss this…situation. (Situation seemed to be an accurate description.)

It was rather isolated, and, most importantly, soundproofed. He and Dani had tested out just how soundproof the basement was many times during their teen years when they’d gone down there to blast whatever song they felt like blasting while they sang along.

Adam had a very strong feeling that this discussion of the situation could get loud. Really loud.

“Any particular reason we have to wander into the bowels of the Saunders’ house to talk?”

“So no one can hear you scream,” Adam replied dryly, only half-joking.

They were at the bottom of the stairs leading to the basement door when Adam held up a hand, telling his parents to stay back. He cracked open the door, and froze once Kris’ words reached his ears.

“It’s not like that!”

~*~

Kris had finally located his parents. Ironically, they were in the basement.

He tried not to think about why they were down there, or why his mom had been giggling when they finally said he could come in. But as they took in Kris’ somber expression, their faces sobered.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

Kris sat down next to her, leaning against her after she wrapped an arm around him, like she used to when he was little.

“I have a boyfriend.”

She pulled away from him until they were face to face. At his nervous fidgeting, her eyes narrowed, “Are you in an abusive relationship?”

Kris’s own eyes widened. “What? No! It’s not like that!”

Neil watched, half amazed and half amused, as Kim started firing question after question at Kris, who only managed to stammer half-finished sentences and make increasingly bewildered faces with every question his mother threw at him.

As entertaining as it was, Kim wasn’t letting Kris get a word in edgewise. Neil had opened his mouth to intervene, when a knock sounded.

They all looked towards the door, and Adam stuck his head inside, a sheepish grin on his face.

“Umm. Hi. Do you think we could come in?”

Neil raised an eyebrow at him, “We?”

Adam ran a hand through his hair and pulled the door open wider, revealing Leila and Eber standing behind him.

“I thought we could offer you some assistance.”

“Assistance?” Kim asked.

“That’s right, Mama Allen. I thought my parents would be able to help you out if you had any questions or just wanted to talk.”

Kim beamed at him, walking over to give him a hug. “You’ve always been such a sweet boy, Adam,” she said as he leaned down so she could kiss his cheek.

“That sweet nature is a lie. He has something up his sleeve. Why are we all down here, baby?” Leila inquired, ushering Eber into the room and shutting the door.

He bit his lip nervously, chipping at his nails. His eyes met Kris’ from across the room and he could see his own apprehension reflected there.

“How about you all have a seat?”

Adam went over to Kris and tugged him up, moving them both until they were standing in front of their parents seated on the couch.

“Krissy, don’t you have something you want to say?”

Kris just looked up at Adam silently. He sighed and pulled Kris into a hug, whispering into his ear, “It’ll be okay, baby. You can do this.”

He smiled weakly in response, but he looked a little less shell-shocked. Kris took a deep breath.

“I’m gay.”

Leila immediately stood up to gather Kris into her arms. “I can see why Adam wanted us in here,” she said, stroking through his hair gently before letting go and sitting back down. “But, honey, this is something you should tell your parents without an audience.”

“He already did, Leila. But he told us something else as well.” Kim was still watching Kris with concern.

“I…I’m seeing someone. It’s kind of a serious thing.”

“Is it? That’s great, sweetie! How long have you been with him?”

“Umm, a few months,” Kris mumbled, blushing.

Adam slipped an arm around Kris’ waist and he smiled up at him gratefully. He gave Kris a tender smile in return before bracing himself.

He took a deep breath and began to speak, “Kris came to me for some advice when he was first struggling with all of this. He was really nervous about how the two of you would react to the news. I told him to stop being stupid because his parents were two of the most kind-hearted people I’d ever met,” he paused to give the Allen parents a sincere smile, “and that you would love him, no matter what.”

“And he’s right, son. We told you before, and we’ll tell you again: we still love you. This is something we’ll have to get used to, but nothing could ever make your mother and I stop loving you.” Neil’s eyes were bright with unshed tears, and Kris could feel them gathering in his own eyes.

Eber stood up from the couch, “This is something between the three of you, not us. But, Kim, Neil,” he met their eyes, “Leila and I would be happy to talk to you if you ever need to. We’ll leave the three of you alone.”

Leila was rising from her seat as well when Kris moved away from Adam’s hold and stood in front of the basement door, blocking their way.

“Wait! You guys have to stay here. What I told them affects you too. Please. Don’t leave just yet.”

“Kris-”

“Please, Leila?” he looked at her with wide brown eyes. “I need you and Eber to stay. It’s important.”

She sighed, pushed Eber back onto the couch and sat next to him. “I have yet to meet a person who can say no to that sweet face. Your boyfriend must lose a lot of fights. Especially with those puppy dog eyes of yours.”

Kris held back his laugh, eyes darting to Adam and smiling at the flush he could see forming.

“We don’t fight that often, but he finds it hard to resist fulfilling my every whim,” he replied deviously.

“Oh, that’s a lie!” As soon as the words left his mouth, Adam bit down on his lip in frustration, wishing he could take the words back.

“Adam, have you met Kris’ boyfriend? Do you know him? Did you introduce them?” Kim was watching Adam raptly for a response.

It was making him nervous.

“I do know him. Very well, actually. You see, Kim, the thing is, Kris’ boyfriend is…Kris’ boyfriend is…” he ran a nervous hand through his hair, unable to actually say the words. ‘Me. _I’m_ Kris’ boyfriend!’ They were there, sitting on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be vocalized, but he just couldn’t get them out.

He looked to Kris for help, and he was looking at him the way he always did, eyes warm and full of love. He took Adam’s hand in his, placing a tiny kiss on his wrist, right over his tattoo. His heart almost stopped right then and there.

“It’s Adam.” His voice was steady, filled with the quiet confidence that was characteristic of Kris.

Adam smiled at his parents tentatively, “Mom, Dad, meet my new boyfriend.” He looked back at Kris, not sure if he could handle their reactions if they weren’t positive, and whispered, “I love you.”

“I know,” he whispered back, a tiny smile quirking his lips, and, god, Adam loved that crooked little smile on his face. He was tempted to cover those lips with his own, but this wasn’t the time or the place.

Later. Later, he could kiss Kris all he wanted.

He screwed up his courage and looked at their parents, who had remained silent. His dad looked nonplussed, Neil looked like he could burst into tears at any moment, his mom looked delighted, and Kim looked deep in thought.

“Say something? Please?” Kris asked, voice shaking.

Adam could feel him trembling with nerves and ushered him to the loveseat adjacent to the large couch. As soon as they were seated, Kris curled against him, settling into all the places of Adam’s body that felt as if they were made for him to fit into. He let his fingers comb through Kris’ hair, planting a small kiss against his ear. Adam couldn’t bring himself to be more concerned about how their parents felt at their displays of affection.

All he could think about was reassuring Kris.

Kim watched them, lips pursed in thought. Adam had always been one of Kris’ dearest friends. He’d always cared for Kris, always loved him. Now, it seemed as if that love had turned into a different kind somewhere along the way. The way Adam was treating her son now, tending to his frazzled nerves with tenderness, as if the rest of them weren’t even in the room, made her relax.

She’d been worried when Kris had said he was in a relationship. She couldn’t help it, he was her baby.

But if there was one thing Kim knew, it was that Adam Lambert was one of the sweetest boys she’d ever met. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he never wanted to hurt someone, let alone someone he loved as much as Kris. Even if there hadn’t been romantic feelings before, it was obvious to her when they were growing up that the boys meant a lot to each other.

She could trust Adam with Kris’ heart.

“Kristopher, do I have to repeat the speech? Your father and I love you, and I’m nothing but thankful that you’ve found love in someone like Adam.”

Kris looked up at her from where he’d laid his head on Adam’s chest, and for a moment, Kim saw Kris at five-years-old, sick with the flu and looking so very miserable. Oh, her baby was all grown up now, wasn’t he? She stopped herself from getting nostalgic. Right now, Kris needed to know that this was okay. That this was more than okay.

“Adam, you’ve been a good friend to Kris for many, many years. I know you want what’s best for him. You’re a good man. You’ll take care of my baby, won’t you?”

She saw a teardrop at the corner of his eye, ready to fall and trace its way down his face.

“Of course I will.”

Kris’ face was flooded with relief after that, and Kim couldn’t resist reaching over to take his hand in hers.

“It’ll be okay, Kristopher. Don’t be so worried.”

“Thank you, Mama.”

His dad didn’t say anything, but Kris thought that the smile on his face and the tears in his eyes spoke for him.

This was going to be okay.

But, admittedly, Kris was reluctant to shift his gaze over to Adam’s parents. Who knew what they were thinking?

“Kris, honey, look at me.”

It was Leila, using the same tone of voice he’d heard her use to soothe Adam many times over the years. He timidly met her eyes and was taken aback at the overwhelming joy he found there.

“Stop looking like we’re all going to leap up and attack you.” She gave him a disarming smile, “It’s okay. We’re happy for you. Aren’t we, Eber?”

“They’re both big boys. They can do what they want.”

Adam rolled his eyes at that, but he knew that was his dad’s way of saying he approved.

“I want to know more about you two. Adam told me a bit about your relationship, conveniently leaving out that he was involved with someone I knew, and didn’t give me too many details. I’m assuming it’s because he didn’t want me to figure out it was you. Am I right?”

“Yes,” Adam sighed, “but I’m still not telling you _everything_. There are some things a mother shouldn’t know about her son.”

“Adam!”

Kris shuffled further away from him on the loveseat, taking a moment to elbow him in the ribs.

“Kidding, baby. Come on! I was just teasing. This loveseat isn’t the same without you cuddling me.”

He stubbornly kept his eyes on the wall, ignoring Adam. He knew Adam had a very, _very_ thin filter at the best of times, but what was he thinking? And in front of their parents! Kris’s face was burning from the embarrassment.

“Hey.” Kris jumped when he felt Adam grab his hand, planting a kiss on his palm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you, baby. Forgive me?”

Kris refused to turn around. Absolutely refused. Because if he turned around, he’d take one look at Adam’s ridiculously pretty blue eyes and forget why he was even mad at him in the first place.

“You can’t stare at the wall forever. Kris? I was out of line, I’m sorry.”

He turned around. This was one time Kris wouldn’t mind being wrong, but he took one look at Adam’s worried face and felt his irritation melt away. He snuggled back into Adam’s side, kissing his cheek in apology.

“I overreacted. I’m a nervous wreck, okay?”

“It’s alright, baby. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You two are like something out of a movie. I’m going to die of cuteness overload.”

“Dad,” Adam growled out, “ix-nay on the teasing.”

“Oh, but it’s tradition. We have to torment you mercilessly about your significant other and show them your childhood photos.” Eber, paused, a thoughtful look on his face. “Although, I guess that last one doesn’t work in this case since Kris saw it first hand.”

They all laughed over that for a little bit, and once the last of their chuckles died, Adam took a long look at their parents.

“So…this is okay? You guys aren’t mad or anything?”

“Adam, Kim and I give you two our blessing. Stop worrying.”

And so they did.

At least, they stopped worrying about their parents’ reactions. Maybe there would be problems in the future, but right now, it was enough to know that they were accepting it.

They told a little, very little, about how they ended up together, glossing over the years of pain and heartache. They avoided mentioning that one night when Kris had been seventeen, that time in Kris’ apartment that had finally broken them apart, how exactly they had found each other again years later.

It was still their story, but less real, less gritty.

There were some things parents really didn’t need to know.

Both of their moms looked misty-eyed at Kris’ shy confession that he’d fallen for Adam a long time ago, when he was young and unsure of everything, but confident that he loved Adam. Even their dads joined their moms in looking teary when Adam admitted that the years without Kris had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to live through, for all that those years had taught him.

They got a fair amount of cooing and good-natured teasing for their affection, but it made Kris feel good. He felt lighter somehow. He could hold Adam’s hand, kiss him even, and it didn’t matter if their parents saw it, because they knew. He did keep it tame though, because making out in front of his parents would be weird, and not the good kind.

Eventually though, they had to leave the basement.

“Danielle’s looking for the two of you.”

Everyone glanced at the door where Kendall was standing. Actually, to be more accurate, she was leaning against the door heavily, breathing loudly. She looked like she’d just run a marathon.

As soon as she made her announcement though, Adam and Kris understood right away. There was only so long that she could keep Danielle distracted.

Leila took one look at the three of them and rolled her eyes. “You two didn’t tell anyone at all, did you?”

“We…uh…does Kezia count?” Kris mumbled, smiling sheepishly.

“She’s your roommate, son. I highly doubt she’d miss the two of you acting like lovesick teenagers.”

“It’s not our fault! I mean, we were going to tell everyone since we know it’s going to last,” Adam lost his train of thought when he saw the dazzling smile on Kris’ face. He shook his head to clear his thoughts before continuing, “But Neil decided to be a little shit and stir up trouble. He told Danielle before we had a chance to talk about it.”

“You told Neil before us?” Eber asked incredulously.

“It was an accident!”

“Accident?” Leila inquired skeptically.

“Umm, well, you see, what happened was,” he turned to Kris. “You remember the first time we had a big fight?”

“The one about the thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Unfortunately,” Kris said, cheeks reddening.

“And how I got a little too friendly with a bottle of vodka?”

“You were lurking outside of my apartment door the next day looking like a zombie.”

“Well, what I didn’t mention was that I might have called Neil in my drunken anguish and told him everything.”

Kris’ face drained of color, eyes going wide. “Everything?”

“Everything.”

He buried his face in Adam’s shoulder, sighing loudly. “I’m going to wake up one day and find our entire life stories in a tabloid.”

“Don’t be silly, baby,” Adam said, running his fingers through his hair, “No one’s going to be interested in our life stories.”

“As adorable as I’m beginning to think the two of you are,” Kendall interjected, “my sister is going to come down here eventually and find you. She’s hell-bent on cornering Kris and questioning him until he breaks.”

“Kendall knew before us too?”

“That was an accident, Kim. Trust me on that. Neither of them intended to tell me, but it just happened that way.”

“Daniel might know too,” Kris muttered.

“Did you two just go around telling everyone but your parents in the hopes that we’d hear about it from someone else first?”

“Wait, you told Daniel?”

Kris scowled at the affronted tone in Adam’s voice. “You told your brother, why can’t I tell mine?”

“I was drunk and upset. I never would’ve called him that night if I was thinking right.”

“So you wouldn’t have told him otherwise?”

“Considering our long perilous journey, it probably wouldn’t have been a good idea to share with him.”

“Did you go into this relationship expecting it not to last?”

Shit. “No, Kris, that’s not what I-” he addressed the rest of the room’s occupants, “Could you give us a moment alone? Please?”

They all murmured their agreement, but not before both boys were cornered by their mothers and scolded for telling everyone else before their parents. Kendall ushered them all out of the basement, telling Kris and Adam they didn’t have much time.

“Danielle can smell fear,” she quipped before closing the door, leaving the boys alone.

“We’re alone now.”

“Look, Kris, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“Then how did you mean it?”

And, oh, it made Adam’s heart hurt to see the look on Kris’ face. It was a look he was all too familiar with, and he felt like he was reliving that moment all over again. That moment in Kris’ apartment when they’d fallen apart almost beyond repair and exchanged words edged with bitterness and anger that had hit their mark too well.

“Can I hold you?”

Kris looked surprised, “What?”

“I just need to hold you.”

“Do you really think you have that right, right now?”

“No,” he whispered, looking defeated.

He stared at Adam for a long time, and whatever he saw in his face must have convinced him that it was a good idea because he moved back into Adam’s arms. He didn’t understand why Adam wanted to hold him now, especially with the threat of Danielle hovering in the air, but there’d been something in his eyes that had told him that this was something Adam needed.

“I was terrified when we first started going out. I’ve already lost you once, and I don’t know if I could handle losing you again. You mean the world to me. You always have. I know I’ve said that before, but it’s the truth. When I first started thinking about you as more than a friend, it scared the shit out of me. I’ve never had the best track record with relationships, and if I messed us up, I’d never forgive myself. That’s why I freaked out so badly on you and left town.”

He gave Kris a rueful smile, “I screwed things up between us anyway. I pushed you away and hoped that whatever I felt for you would just disappear. It didn’t, by the way. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Brad, maybe too much and too fast, and what I felt for you didn’t invalidate my feelings for anyone else, but it was never quite the same.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me about Brad. He was your first love and he means a lot to you still. I get it.”

“He wasn’t my first love. You know that.”

“He was the first man you loved that deserved it, and you know it. I’m glad you had him in your life. But what does that have to do with me?”

“More than you think it does, baby. Have you ever noticed that Brad looks a lot like you?”

“Considering his first words to me were ‘god, Adam, where did you find my less attractive clone’, yeah, I noticed.”

“You know he didn’t mean that, right?”

“I know.” Kris smirked, “He told me he was just really jealous of my ass.”

“Of course he did,” Adam said fondly. “What you don’t know is that that resemblance is what drew me to him in the first place. I didn’t stay with him because he reminded me of you, physically at least, but it was the first thing I noticed. Even then, you were driving me crazy.”

“So you chose your first serious boyfriend because he looked like me, except prettier. Go on.”

“Stop it, I’m trying to be serious. The point is, I loved Brad. We were madly, deeply in love, the kind of love that people tell you is doomed because it’s too much, too fast, but you don’t believe what they say anyway because a part of you is so deep into the flames that the burn feels good. Even though another part of you agrees with them.”

“Adam,” Kris whispered hesitantly. It was nothing he hadn’t heard before, but this time there was a desperation lacing his words that hadn’t been there when Adam had told this story previously.

“It was all consuming. We were so in love with each other that we lost ourselves, like we’d forgotten how to exist without each other. We couldn’t be ourselves without having the other by our side. You know I worked a long time to get to where I was, to be who I am. Feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore unless Brad was there, wasn’t what I wanted. I loved him, but not enough to give up myself. He felt the same way.

“When you love someone, you’re not supposed to feel incomplete without them there. You’re supposed to feel more complete. The person you love should add to who you are, not be your entire being. I’m not saying that this is what love should be for everybody, but it’s what I think it’s like. Love is about knowing who you are, and knowing who they are, and feeling more like yourself when you’re with them; not being unable to know your own identity without them.

“And that’s why we ended things. He’s proud of who he is as an individual. I didn’t want him to sacrifice that for the sake of love. Or at least, our version of it. Because that’s not what I think it should be like.

“But you. You… Kris, what we have is nothing and everything like what I had with Brad. I was so scared for the longest time that I’d lose you. There’s still a few mornings where I wake up with you in my arms and wonder how much longer you’ll be mine.”

“I plan on forever. Just so you know, Lambert.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way. But at the beginning, I felt like I was waiting for an axe to drop. I spent years telling myself that getting involved with you was a bad idea, but we tried it and it was going so damn well. Being with you is like…I can’t even describe it. It was going so well, it’s still going well. I don’t know if I deserve to have things this good. You make everything seem brighter, more vibrant. Do you get what I mean? I’m madly, pathetically in love with you. You ground me. You’re everything I thought I wanted and everything I didn’t know I needed. I love you.”

Kris cupped his cheeks in his hands, moving to claim Adam's lips with his own. It was slow and passionate, Kris devouring him so slowly that he wasn't aware of how heated the kiss had gotten until they pulled apart and Adam felt cold without Kris' warmth against him.

He traced a gentle hand down Adam's face, smiling tenderly at him. “You deserve to be pathetically in love and have a good life. Stop it with the Jewish guilt and accept that I’m in your life to make it kick-awesome.”

“You have such a way with words.”

“Just tell me you love me again.”

“I love you,” he spoke against Kris’ lips before taking him in for another kiss.

In the midst of all of this though, they had forgotten something very important.

“So it’s true then.”

They broke apart and saw Danielle standing there.

~*~

She slammed the door shut behind her, plopping onto the couch.

“I had to find out from Neil. Neil!”

“In our defense, Dani, he did that without our knowledge or our permission.”

“And Adam told him without ever telling me that he’d clued in his brother.”

“I was drunk! It was an unfortunate case of drunk-dialing. And whenever I get into a fight with a boyfriend, I call Neil. It’s habit.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“Don’t you two try to charm me by acting like an old married couple!” she yelled, wagging a disapproving finger at them. “I cannot believe you kept something of this magnitude from me. Do you have _any_ idea how furious I am right now Adam Mitchel Lambert? Do you?!”

“The yelling and emphatic hand gestures gave me a pretty big hint.”

“Stop joking! I am seriously upset about this. I’m supposed to be your best friend in the whole world, and you didn’t tell me you were dating Kris? Not just that, but you’re serious about him.” Her eyes narrowed. “At least, you better be serious about him. You may be my best friend, but I will castrate you if you hurt my Krissy.”

“See? See how little she loves me? She’s threatening my manhood in your honor, baby.”

“I like your manhood and I can defend my own honor.”

“Okay, I didn’t need to get that image in my head.”

“No one was asking you to visualize our sex life, Dani.” At her unwavering glare, he sighed. “Kris is my mysterious new boyfriend, Neil’s a troublemaking little shit who shouldn’t have said anything in the first place, and I’m pathetically in love with this man. That’s all you really need to know.”

“But, when? How? Why? I want to know how this happened. I mean, you two weren’t talking for years after being closer than two friends have a right to be, and now you’re in love? What happened?”

Kris and Adam looked at each other, unsure of how much to tell her. But Adam knew he owed it to Danielle to tell her as much of the truth as possible.

So they told her.

After they were done, her expression was carefully blank. She turned to Kris, “So, let me get this straight. You’ve been in love with Adam for six years, give or take, and you hit on him when you were drunk one time when you were seventeen.”

“That’s right.”

Danielle looked over at Adam, “You acted like a drama queen, and instead of talking it out with him, you left your room at first light and drove back to LA like your hair was on fire, completely ignoring how insensitive you were being, and pretty much blew Krissy off for a few years.”

“When you put it like that, it sounds so bad.”

She ignored his whining, talking over him. “But Mama Allen wanted you to keep watch over her baby boy since he was so close to you, and you ended up seeing him doing the nasty with another guy. It sent you into a jealous rage that you were in denial about, so you two decided to be immature, idiotic men and snipe at each other before Kris lost his temper, which he never ever does so you must have said something awful, and kicked you out of his life. Symbolically speaking anyway. But he literally kicked you out of his apartment.

“Then, Kris started to date randomly, trying to fill the Adam-shaped hole in his life while you fell in love with Brad. Krissy, you ended up meeting a guy at a bar and staying with him for almost two whole years, but from what I’ve heard from the two of you, this guy was a jerk and all wrong for you and the only good thing his little kink did was bring Adam back into your life. Am I still telling it right?”

“Yes, Danielle.” Kris frowned, “And he wasn’t a jerk. Not at first. Things got really bad between us at the end, but both of us were at fault.”

“You’re my Krissy, you don’t have any faults. Let me finish trying to get this little timeline straight! You broke up with Mr. Kinky Bartender Man and Adam dried your tears, which is when you confessed your undying love for him and seduced-” she smirked at Kris’ indignant protest, “Adam into trying out this relationship thing. If I know Adam, and I do, he probably freaked out at first and tried to be a gentleman and give you time to adjust.”

Kris laughed, “He did attempt being noble. Then I pinned him to a wall and told him it was okay if he stopped trying. In fact, I’d prefer it.”

“Don’t tell her that!”

“Consider it payback for implying things about our sex life in front of our parents.”

“I’m still not done! Eventually Kristopher’s unassuming charm won you over and you realized you’d fallen head over heels in love with him, and here we are today. Of course, I’m skipping over the part of the story where Kris had to tell his parents that he likes cock, particularly Adam’s, and panic about how to reveal your relationship to your family and close friends.”

They stared at her in silence for a few minutes and she let out a frustrated groan, “I’m done now, boys. Is that everything, more or less?”

“I believe it is. How do you feel about it?”

“Do I wish you’d told me yourselves instead of hearing it from Neil? Definitely. But, Adam, you look happy. Happier than you have in a while. And it’s Kris. I love you, Krissy. You’re pretty much perfect, and if anyone deserves Adam, it’s you. But if either of you hurt each other again, I’m going to be hard-pressed to pick who’s side to go on. I think I’ll just maim both of you and make it easier on myself.”

“Gee, thanks, Dani.”

“No problem, boys. Now, come here both of you so I can get a hug.”

They both got up from the loveseat and settled on either side of Danielle on the couch, wrapping her up in a hug.

“I love the both of you, okay? Nothing could ever change that.” She pulled out of the hug for a moment, “You two are in love, right? This is one of those forever kind of things?”

Adam met Kris’ eyes. “Yeah. Definitely a forever kind of thing.”

~*~

On New Years’ Eve, they spent the entire night by each other’s side.

There was even a betting pool for who’d get caught in a compromising position the most: Cameron and Allison or Adam and Kris.

Kris wasn’t amused when he found out about the wager, but he couldn’t stop laughing at the looks on everyone’s faces when Adam ended up winning all the money.

(Mostly because once he’d squeezed the news of the bet out of Neil, he’d pushed Kris against any available flat surface and kissed him breathless in every room of the house, only stopping and moving to the next room after someone had walked in on them.)

He stayed pressed close to Adam’s side, in full view of everyone, and no one batted an eye at the occasional kiss he pressed to Kris’ lips. It was liberating, being able to show everyone who knew them that this was who they were, and this was how it was.

They were in love and the people who mattered were happy for the both of them.

But the best part of the whole night was the countdown going on in the living room, the Saunders, Allens and Lamberts gathered around the large screen TV and chattering with barely contained excitement at the incoming year’s imminent arrival.

Away from all of the activity were Adam and Kris, together in Adam’s room like they had been so many years ago, when Kris had been only seventeen and Adam newly transformed. But this time, Adam welcomed the kiss Kris pressed to his lips, and the hand touching him through his jeans, driving him insane with its teasing caresses. He laid Kris down on his bed and watched as he fell apart under his hands, his tongue.

Adam looked down on him and remembered that night when it’d changed between them, when Kris had first made it known that he’d felt that first spark of a nameless want, of more.

“Loved you even then. Always loved you.”

Kris moaned in response and pulled him closer, wanting more of Adam, always more.

Later, after they were both sated and their bodies were pleasantly aching, they heard the cheers from downstairs, of the New Year’s arrival. Kris stared up at Adam from where he had been laying his head on his chest, leaning up for a chaste kiss.

Adam let Kris control the kiss for a while before deepening it, trying to tell Kris everything he couldn’t quite say in that moment but felt whole-heartedly.

As he lost himself in their kiss, he couldn’t help but think of all the years they’d shared, and all the ones they’d lost. They’d been through so much to get to this point. To love him and to be loved by him, to know that this was something that was forever.

~*~

 _So plant the thought and watch it grow  
Wind it up and let it go_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic that got me back into writing. It's definitely rough, but I have a soft spot for it. And as always, endless gratitude and love for my Glittizens, who helped me get through the writing of this story; I couldn't have done it without their love and encouragement.
> 
> Originally posted 05/09-10/09


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